Home
by Ocean of Ashes
Summary: My take on how things pan out after 13.17. Obviously spoilers for up until then. This story is now complete.
1. Going Home

_Home_

Summary: A take on what happened next after the scene we had all been waiting for.

Spoiler Warning: Principally ep.13.17 but if I take the story any further, it may include spoilers for further on. If you live in the UK and haven't succumbed to YouTube, I probably wouldn't read this.

Disclaimer: Everything and anything related to the ER does not belong to me.

Author's Note: This is the first fic I have written for a long time, and my first ER fic. I have noticed that the ER fics seem to get a lot of reviews, so please be nice and review this one too. Whatever you think; good, bad or indifferent, let me know. I'm considering extending this from a one-shot into a full story, but I'm not sure – ask me nicely and I might be tempted!

Offering her a ride home hadn't been a calculated move, he hadn't thought twice about it. Maybe if he had, he wouldn't have said anything, but when he was with her, as always, thoughts, well, coherent ones anyway, were difficult to come by. Now he could feel her lips on his, any thought at all went right out the window. God, he had been waiting so long for this, and there had been times that he had decided that the reality could never live up to the fantasy that he had been building over the years, but right now he realised that the very best things in life were definitely worth the wait.

All too soon, the need for oxygen forced them to pull apart. Out of breath, Neela rested her forehead on Ray's, unable to bring herself to move away further. After all this time of complications and reasons not to do this, it was funny how, in the end, actually kissing him had been so easy, so _right. _One minute, she had been just about to get out of the car, then his hand reached out to her and he said her name, and suddenly, everything that had stood in their way until now seemed to melt away.

'Ray…'

'No, please Neela, can I go first? I know there is a lot to say, but I need to get this out before I lose my nerve.'

She smiled at him, reassuring him. This time, he felt, she wanted to hear what she already knew he was going to say. 'It's ok, I was just going to say, do you want to come in out of the cold?'

She led him up into Abby's apartment – she still called it and thought of it as Abby's, rather than home. 'Home' to her meant somewhere else, and she wasn't thinking of England. She thought about putting some coffee on, but they both knew coffee wasn't what they were here for. They sat on the sofa, facing each other, and Ray took both her hands in his, staring downward as if summoning up the courage to speak.

'I know this still isn't the best time, but it's a helluva lot better than the last time I tried, so I'm just going to come out with it. Neela, I love you. I didn't mean to fall in love, in fact, I think the old Ray never wanted to fall in love, but you've changed all that. I love you, and I want you, and I have been waiting for this moment for so, so long that I hope to God I haven't blown things, but I can't wait any longer, I…' He trailed off, looking deeply into her eyes, wanting to look down but not being able to tear himself away. She was too beautiful not to look at.

Neela thought of all the things she could say, that needed to be said. Michael, Tony, even Katey hovered between them but she was damned if she was going to let them get in the way this time. If wild, sometimes irresponsible musician cum doctor Ray Barnett wasn't afraid of being in love, then she wasn't either. 'I – There are so many things that I have to say to you, but right now, I don't want to. They can wait. Right now, I want to show you that I love you. I want to show you just how much I love you.'

This time, it was Neela that leaned in first. Their lips met in the same soft, lingering way they had in the car. This was about love, not just lust. He ran his hands through her hair, pulling her in closer, not ever wanting to let her go. He felt her tongue slowly run across his lower lip, then press gently into his mouth. This sensual, in control Neela was a side of her he hadn't seen before, and he loved it. When he felt her cold hands starting to push his coat off his shoulders though, he stopped her.

'Neela, I don't think…'

'Ray? I thought you wanted this. You said you wanted this.' Her face was hurt, and tears began to spring to her eyes.

'Believe me, I do', he replied, cupping her cheek and gently stroking her soft skin with his thumb. In fact, by the way she was now half straddling his lap, he thought she could probably feel just how much he did want this, and how much it was killing him to stop her. 'But not now, not yet. I'm in this for the long haul, and I haven't waited this long to ruin what we have for the sake of one night. I don't want to do this until the time is right, and that won't be until we are both free to be together, which neither of us are right now.' He hated bringing up harsh realities in a moment like this, but he knew it had to be done. The fact was that he was still seeing Katey, well, sort of, and getting Tony out of the picture was full of complications.

He looked at her searchingly, hoping that she understood. Deep inside, Neela knew he was right, and more than that, his willingness to do the right thing helped erase the element of doubt that still had been plaguing her. He really did mean what he said, this was about more than one of his usual casual flings; he was as serious about this as she was.

'It's alright, I understand. And you're right, of course –'

'I'm sorry,' he grinned, trying to lighten the mood a little, 'was that Neela Rasgotra admitting, that I, Ray Barnett, am right about something? Is there a chance that I could have that in writing please?'

'Bugger off,' she giggled, loving that he was teasing her in the same way he always used to, as if she had never abandoned him, said those awful things, paraded her affair with Tony in front of him. She wasn't entirely sure she deserved such forgiveness, but was thankful for it.

'As I was saying, you are right, we have to make a lot of things okay before we can do this. Me especially. I'm glad you stopped me, a night of forgetting everything isn't what we need.'

'Oh, I promise you, a night with me is a night to _remember._' Despite his new air of vulnerability, Neela couldn't help but grin at the old Ray showing through in spite of himself. Good, she thought; for all his sins, the old Ray was who she fell in love with. This new Ray had better retain some elements of the old one.

They kissed again, reassuring each other that they were okay with the course of action they had chosen. Ray couldn't keep the corners of his mouth from turning upwards at the thought that finally he had her in his arms, and Neela felt his smile through the kiss. She had been in love before, she had been in lust, but never had she felt such a sense of completeness, that she was finally whole. The total fulfilment came in the knowledge that Ray felt the same.

After a little while, they broke apart again. 'So, what now?'

'Well, I am lucky enough to not be working tomorrow, but you are, so for you, a good night's sleep would be recommended.'

'You know what, a good night's sleep would be really nice.' She paused, and took a deep breath before taking the plunge. 'Do you know something else? I haven't had a good night's sleep for a very long time.'

He sensed she was going somewhere with this from the nervous look in her eyes hiding beneath the playful façade, but he wasn't sure where.

'Oh really? How long for?'

'Since I was last… at home.'

Oh. That was where she was going with it, Ray thought. That she wanted to come back seemed too good to be true, but he knew that tonight, his dreams were at last coming true, and his long wait was coming to fruition.

'Well, in that case, you had better come home.'

It only took her a couple of minutes to throw together a few things that could keep her going until she had time to come back to pack up properly. As she turned the key in the lock, she knew she had spent her last night cold and alone in Abby's apartment. Somehow, things would work themselves out, quite how, she wasn't sure yet. But it didn't matter. Tonight, she was going home.


	2. Fresh Coffee

Disclaimer: As before, not mine

Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews, very much appreciated of course. If I'm being honest, I prefer this as a one-shot, but I want to write a longer story, and I figure I've got a good beginning here, so I'm going to roll with it. I'm not entirely happy with the next two chapters, but I want to keep things moving forward, so here you go. Please keep the reviews coming in, as all you writers now, they do help.

Neela woke up to the sound of her alarm, and groaned. Even after years of working odd hours, getting up at 6am in the pitch black still wasn't natural. Mm, the smell of fresh coffee made it a little better though. Dragging herself out of bed, she padded through to the kitchen, where Ray was getting a pair of cereal bowls out of the cupboard.

She smiled at the sight; she had forgotten what feeling like she belonged somewhere was like. Despite the inconveniences of the day to day reality of living with Ray, it was the first place she had ever really felt herself, like she could be who she wanted to be without judgement. She had known she had missed this, but not she didn't realise quite how much until now she was back.

'What are you doing? I told you not to bother getting up, there was no need.'

He leaned over to her, and gave her a light peck on the lips, grinning. 'Did you expect me to do as I was told?'

He had her there. 'Well, no, I suppose not,' she laughed. 'And I can't deny that being greeted by fresh coffee and cereal is a good way to start the day.'

Ray didn't tell her he had had to go out to the store to buy things for breakfast; it was worth it to see her sleepy smile and to have her back in his life. He hadn't been able to sleep for the excitement at actually having her in the apartment again, although he tried not to dwell too deeply on the fact that a sleeping, partially clad Neela was only in the next room. He felt clichéd thinking it, but it was like he had a purpose again – until last night, his life had just consisted of working, drinking a few beers and sleeping for a bit before it was time to work again. There was still some, okay, a lot, of stuff to work out, but the first steps were always the hardest.

'Anything for my roomie.'

At that phrase, they looked at each other. He had said it flippantly, but it carried them back to a different time. Neela let her spoon rest on the edge of her bowl.

'I wish I didn't have to go to work this morning. We can't put this off, there are things that we have got to get out in the open if this,' she indicated randomly around the room with her spoon, which Ray took to mean them living together again, in whatever capacity that may be, 'is going to work this time round.'

Ray sensed she wanted to discuss this seriously, so he pushed aside the cereal and gave her his full attention. She looked so beautiful when she was concentrating hard on something. He laughed inwardly at himself; every time he looked at her, he thought how beautiful she was, he probably didn't need to note the thought every single time.

'Okay then,' he said slowly, 'we can do this now if you want, but I think it deserves a little more time. If you're on at seven, you've got to leave in fifteen minutes.'

He was right, she was going to be horribly late if she didn't get a move on. It was tempting to call in sick, but with an ass like Crenshaw as your attending, it would be playing with fire. She sighed, and got up to put her bowl in the sink. 'I didn't realise what the time was. But tonight, no excuses.'

Ray got up too, and went over to her. He wanted to kiss away the frown on her face, but he knew that it would not be appreciated right now. Instead, he put his arms around her, and gently stroked her hair. 'Tonight, I promise. I'm not trying to make excuses, you know that, don't you Neela?'

She could hear the worried tone in his voice, and nodded against his chest. 'I know. But I'm so scared Ray, I don't know how to do this. What do I say? What do I say to Tony? I mean, Meg _died_ because of what I have been doing with Tony, she killed herself because of me, and now here I am just changing my mind –'

Ray saw where this was leading to, and cut her right off. He put his hands on her shoulders and shook her slightly. '_No_,' he said forcefully, making her meet his eyes, 'I will not let you do this again. No more of this damn guilt. Meg died because she was unhappy and messed up and Michael died because of some Iraqi rebel. Not because of you. Their deaths do not lessen in any way your right to happiness. I wish you could see that Neela.' He had started off angry, but he couldn't stay mad with her for long, not when she looked up at him with those big brown eyes of hers full of vulnerability, glinting with tears. He wanted to do something to make her realise that what had happened to Meg and Michael wasn't her fault, but he knew from experience that acceptance only came from within.

She wished he hadn't said Michael's name, to hear his name from Ray's lips seemed to compound her betrayal of him, but taking a deep breath, she forced the guilt away. It was time she moved on properly, and that meant being with Ray, she knew that.

'I'm sorry.'

'No, don't be sorry. Just say you'll think about what I said.' He was hugging her again now, and she felt safe in his arms, as if nothing could hurt her.

'I have to go to work now.'

'I know.' He kissed her forehead. 'I love you Neela. If things get tough today, remember that.'


	3. Not such fresh coffee

Disclaimer: As before, not mine.

About four hours into her shift, Neela gave up fighting against the exhaustion she was feeling, and darted into the doctors' lounge. She had been assigned to consults down in the ER _again_, which annoyed her even more than usual, as it made avoiding Tony particularly difficult, although as it had been a busy morning, she had managed relatively well so far. Yawning, she poured herself a mug of what was allegedly coffee and curled up on the sofa. It was funny how after her first decent night's sleep in an extremely long time, she was so tired. It was probably all just catching up with her.

She sipped away at the coffee quietly for a few minutes, allowing herself to replay in her head the little scene with Ray in the car and later in Abby's apartment. Even looking back on it, there was nothing she would change. First kisses with people were never perfect; at least, that's what she had thought until now, but Ray had already broken down so many of her barriers that she knew she was going to have to change her whole outlook on life. She was so lost in the memory that she jumped a little when the door suddenly opened.

'What are you smiling about?'

Neela turned to see Abby standing in the doorway. 'Oh, it's you, you made me jump.'

Abby narrowed her eyes suspiciously at her friend for a minute. 'What were you thinking about that you were so immersed in that you didn't hear the door open, and that was making you look like that?' She poured herself a coffee and shoved Neela's feet off the sofa so she could sit next to her. 'Spill. Although if it's whatever you and Gates got up to last night, I only want a severely edited version.'

To tell or not to tell? Well, it was going to come out sometime, and she _did_ have to tell Abby that she didn't need the apartment anymore. 'It wasn't Tony.'

Abby's eyes widened in surprise. That was something she hadn't expected her to say. 'Okay, well in that case, I want every detail, forget the editing.'

'I don't know what you're going to say. You might tell me I'm crazy to be doing this.' Now it came to actually admitting what had happened between her and Ray, she wanted to stall. For some reason, being with Tony hadn't felt like betraying Michael's memory, but being with Ray did, and even though she knew Abby wouldn't judge her – in fact, she'd probably be delighted – Neela judged herself for it. Of course, she knew why Ray was different, that was love, and it probably had been even when she was married to Michael, but that didn't make it easier.

'I promise if I do think you're crazy, I will put you in a straightjacket and send you right up to psych, but I can't if you don't tell me. Come on Neela, what is it?'

'Well, last night, Tony was meant to be giving me a ride home, but he left without me –'

'Huh, charming,' Abby interjected.

'It didn't really matter, I was going to just take the El, but then Ray offered me a lift and…Stop looking at me like that. Why are you grinning?' A really irritating, smug grin had spread across her friend's face.

'Why do you think I'm grinning like that? It has taken the two of you long enough; you can't deny me a bit of smugness now you've finally got it on.'

'First, we didn't get it on as such, as you so eloquently put it. He took me back to the apartment, and we were chatting and laughing away, like old times. Then he kissed me. Then he told me he loved me, and then I kissed him. And that was all that happened.'

Abby sat back and thought to herself for a minute. 'Neela and Ray' was hardly a revelation, it had been a very long time coming, but that didn't mean it was going to be an easy ride for them. She hoped they had thought this through.

'So you didn't…?'

'No. He… he stopped things.'

Abby raised an eyebrow. 'Really? I didn't have Ray down as the noble, gentlemanly type.'

Neela laughed. 'No, neither did I. But I have moved back in with him, so thank you so much for the use of your apartment for all this time, it's been a lifesaver, but living with Ray is home, and that's where I want to be now. It's time for me to face up to things and stop running.'

'Are you sure you're ready for moving in together? I know you've lived together before, but this is different, it's a big thing. What about Tony, and Katey?' She wasn't sure how much Neela knew about Ray and Katey, but she guessed that Ray had probably been fairly honest about it; it wasn't like it was a big secret.

'I've moved back into my room for now, its just a first step on what will be a long road. Ray didn't say anything much about it, but I think he is going to speak to Katey today. As for Tony, what on earth do I say to him? What on earth would be the right words to tell him that I suddenly want out of this?'

'Honey, honesty is the best policy – it's a cliché but it's true. There aren't any 'right words'. You never intended for things to be serious with Gates anyway, did you?'

'No, I was lonely, and he was just _there_. But since Meg has died, so much more seems to be at stake. Sarah has lost her mother, and for what?'

'I know I can't tell you not to care about all that, because of course you do, but you can't put all these other people's happiness over your own. You have a right to be happy as well.'

'Ray said something like that.'

'Listen to him. I don't know where the hell it came from, or when it appeared, but I think there's some common sense that's crept in there alongside all the beer and rock music.'

Neela smiled. Talking about things to Abby had helped, after all, who knew better than her what it was like to finally get together with someone after years of waiting. She still hadn't been able to bring herself to mention Michael, but she was getting there.

She hauled herself up from the sofa wearily, and rinsed out her mug. 'Thanks for the chat Abby. I needed to get it off my chest a bit. You…' Neela looked up uncertainly for a moment, 'You won't umm, tell anyone, will you?'

'No, of course not. Guide's honour.' Abby grinned cheekily.

'You, a girl guide? Not bloody likely. But please, not even Luka for now. I don't want anyone to know until everything's been sorted out. Tony can't hear this from anyone but me.'

'That's okay. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here.'

Neela sighed wearily. 'Thank you. I had better get back out there, I've still got hours to go but I feel like I've been run over by a train.' Her back was aching like an old woman's. Briefly, she allowed her mind to flit to the possibility of a relaxing after-work massage, before pushing the door open and heading back out to the circus.

'Don't work too hard,' Abby called after her.


	4. Getting off lightly

Disclaimer: I do not possess ER related paraphernalia. More's the pity!

Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews, very generous of you! Sorry this chapter is a bit on the short side, I intended it to be longer, but it sort of reached its natural end and I wasn't going to push it, so all I can say is hopefully the next one will have a bit more to it.

After Neela left for work, Ray sat down to finish his cereal, but it had gone too soggy and he quickly threw it away in disgust. Instead, he poured himself another coffee and went into his bedroom to find his cell. It was still early, but he knew that Katey had a shift this morning as well, so she would be awake. He might as well get this over with, she was a nice girl and in a different set of circumstances, things might have worked out, so he wasn't exactly relishing the task.

'Hey.'

'Hey Ray,' she answered groggily.

'Sorry, I didn't wake you, did I? I thought you had a shift this morning.'

'No, it's fine, I do, I've just got up before I've woken up, that's all. What happened to you last night, I was kind of expecting you to call.'

'Umm, yeah, sorry about that,' he said awkwardly.

Katey could hear his hesitation down the phone line and she knew what was coming. All along it had only been a matter of time, she had noticed the spark between Ray and Neela the first time she saw them together. She decided to take pity on him and make it a bit easier; he was a decent enough guy after all, and he'd never given her the slightest indication he was looking for more than a bit of casual dating and whatever.

'Don't worry about it Ray. Just say it, I'm not going to shout at you.'

'I'm sorry Katey, I didn't mean to lead you on or hurt you. It's just…' He wasn't sure whether or not to rub salt in the wound by mentioning Neela but he thought that she probably already guessed what this was about. Ever since Morris had so politely informed him that the entire ER were under the impression that he and Neela had been sleeping together, he had been a lot less naïve about others' perception of their friendship.

'Last night, Neela and I…'

'It's all right thank you, I don't need details.' As much as she had made up her mind to be philosophical about this, she wanted to get it over with as quickly as she could.

'Sorry. Look, I'm not going to say we'll be friends or anything like that, but I wouldn't want things to be awkward between us, especially as you're on your ER rotation now.' He hoped he hadn't hurt her too badly, but it was best just being straight about these things.

'I understand, and I don't blame you. You didn't treat me badly Ray, and it was fun while it lasted. Which, incidentally, was longer than I thought it was going to anyway.' She tried to make her voice sound chirpy, and she actually found it didn't take too much effort.

He let out a quiet sigh of relief. She sounded like she would be okay. The old Ray might have felt a bit of a dent to his ego at her apparent ease to let go of him, but now, he was just relieved that he hadn't caused too much trouble, and that it shouldn't lead to any bad feeling between them at work.

'So you'll be all right?'

'Of course I will. Now, get off the phone, I have to go to work. Have a good day.' And with that, she hung up without giving him a chance to flounder any further.

After he'd spoken to Katey, he stretched out on his bed and thought things over. In truth, he hadn't expected ending things with Katey to be all that difficult, but he knew that he had got off lightly. Most girls would have ripped his head off. However the same conversation went between Neela and Gates, it wouldn't be that easy.

Tempting though it was to fall back to sleep, after all, he had barely slept a wink last night, Ray made himself get up and look around the apartment. It was a bit of a tip, not as bad as Neela had sometimes had to see it admittedly, but he felt the need to make things nice for her.

The kitchen was probably the worst. Everywhere else was messy, but that room was grubby as well so he decided to make a start there. As he reached into the cupboard to get out a cloth and some cleaner, the photo of him and Neela that he kept on the fridge caught his eye. He took it off and stared at it for a little while. They looked really happy in it, like a real couple. It was only a few weeks ago that he had thought that this photo would be the closest he ever got to her again, and now it seemed like he was actually going to get a chance to be with her. Wow, he smiled to himself; he must be the luckiest guy on earth. God, he was looking forward to her coming home tonight.


	5. Snowstorm

Disclaimer: Getting a little repetitive, but anything to do with ER doesn't belong to me.

Author's Note: Again, thank you for the reviews; I'm always grateful for the time you spend on reading this, and telling me what you think. I'm glad now I've extended this to a full story, I'm having fun with it. Your comments are helpful though; I'm pleased that you seem to like the interaction between Abby and Neela, that chapter started off as a bit of a filler, and a mechanism for working in a different character than simply Ray, Neela and their respective other halves, but as I started writing, I liked the way it was going so it ended up with a bit more to it than at first.

Anyway, please stay tuned, and keep me informed of your views.

'Neela?'

Damn, so close. Neela had managed to get almost the entire way through her shift, there was only about an hour and a half to go, before Tony came up to her. Arranging her face into what she hoped was a pleasant but distant smile, she turned around. 'Tony, hi.'

'It's been crazy today, hasn't it? I've not had the chance to see you at all.' He started to move as if to put his arms around her, but Neela quickly sidestepped to allow a gurney to be pushed past, and pretended she hadn't noticed what he had been trying to do.

She made a non-committal noise of assent.

'So, I was wondering, to make up for it, if you wanted to come over tonight? Sarah's staying with a friend so we'll have the place to ourselves.' He smiled encouragingly at her.

Neela didn't feel repulsed by his suggestion, after all, up until last night, she would have taken him up on it like a shot, but more sort of… empty maybe? None of that warm glow that made her feel wanted and valued. Even Michael had given her that, well, excepting his upsetting habit of abandoning her to go and make the world a better place, but still. And Ray had made her feel like that as a friend, let alone in the way he did now. Tony just… didn't. And after the way she had felt last night in that car when she had seen Ray begin to lean towards her and she realised what he wanted to do, she knew that Tony could never, ever be enough, nowhere near it.

'Umm, thank you, but I think I might just head home tonight actually. As you said, it's been a hell of a day, and I could really do with a nice hot soak in the bath and an early night. It's tame I know, but sorry.'

'Maybe I could come with you, help scrub your back?' She tried to take his suggestive comment as flirtatious rather than pushy, but it wasn't easy. She knew she really ought to be honest with him and break things off, but here and now, in a corridor with countless spectactors and many more interested eyes than she would like to have observing, was definitely not the right time or place. Besides, her primary concern was putting him off right now, so she could get home to Ray.

'Tony, no, I mean it, not tonight.' Not ever, she thought to herself.

He sensed her genuine reluctance and decided to back off. 'No problem Mayday, another time. When does your shift end? I'm off in twenty minutes, but I don't mind waiting to give you a ride home.'

Neela laughed to herself. If he had been so enthusiastic to give her a ride yesterday, then she probably would be letting him rub her back tonight. Whoever said there was no such thing as karma, hey? If only he knew.

'No, don't worry about waiting for me. I'm supposedly off in an hour and a half, but you know what it's like, I could still be here for hours.' Hopefully that sounded like she was thinking of him, although she could barely hear what she said through the loud protest her guilty conscience was staging.

'Hey, it's no trouble. It's been snowing constantly out there for two days, you don't want to have to take the El in weather like this.'

She was really, really tempted to make a snide comment about him heading off without her yesterday, but she couldn't make him look like the guilty party in order to get out of this situation. That just wouldn't be fair. And besides, she could hardly say she wasn't grateful that he had abandoned her last night, could she? Look what she would have missed out on.

'Honestly Tony, its okay, you go. I'm not some little English girl who has never seen proper snow anymore, I've been living in Chicago long enough to be able to get myself home in a snowstorm.'

He looked at her doubtfully. Was it his imagination, or was she trying to get rid of him? It was so difficult to tell, the tone of her voice was normal; considerate towards him and sounding genuinely fine with making her own way home, but there was something amiss which he couldn't put his finger on. Her whole demeanour just seemed a little different somehow. He gave a mental shrug. It had been a nightmare of a day, and if she said she was tired and wanted to go to bed, then that was what she wanted, no hidden meanings. He had had a long, tiring shift too and paranoia induced by exhaustion was not a reason to go looking for problems that weren't there.

Her pager went off. 'Sorry, I had better…'

'Sure thing. Catch up with you soon Mayday.'

Neela went to the admit desk. 'Hey, Frank, someone paged me?'

'Yep, trauma coming in by chopper, a guy involved in a pile up on a freeway. Should be in in five minutes, Abby's already up on the roof waiting. Apparently it's a messy one and definitely going to need surgery.'

'Alright, thanks Frank. I'm on my way up there.'

It was freezing when she got outside, and at first she couldn't see Abby through the snow. 'Hey, Abby, are you up here?' she called out.

'Over here.'

Following the noise, Neela picked out the shape of a figure through the snow. 'Bloody hell Abby, why are you waiting out here? It's _freezing._'

'I was waiting in the stairwell, but look,' she pointed up at the lights of the helicopter, which were now visible, even though you still couldn't hear it over the wind, 'it's almost here. Besides, I like the snow.'

'I like snow, that doesn't mean freezing to death in it constitutes my idea of fun.'

There was a short silence before Abby spoke again. 'So, have you told him yet?'

'No, I –'

'Neela,' she said warningly, 'you've got to do it, putting it off will only make it worse.'

'I know, I know,' Neela protested. 'But I've only seen him to speak to once all shift, and that was just now in the corridor. I'd like to finish with him somewhere a little more discreet than in a place that all the staff and half the patients have ringside seats.'

'Well, why didn't you just take him somewhere more private?'

'If I had done that, he would have jumped on me.'

Abby laughed. 'Is that all you two ever do?'

'Did. Yes. Like I said, it wasn't really about the emotional attachment part of a relationship, more the emotional detachment if we're going to be honest. I did manage though to talk him out of first, taking me back to his place, then out of going back to my place –'

'Just as well you succeeded on that count,' Abby interrupted, 'as your revised living arrangements now lack somewhat the element of privacy.'

The tone Abby used was quite cutting, but Neela didn't take it offensively. She knew Abby was only indulging in a bit of good natured bullying to try to force her to finish things with Tony sooner rather than later. And she was unreservedly, absolutely and entirely right of course, Neela just knew she had to build up a little more courage before she could actually do the deed.

Before Neela got the chance to make a comeback, Hope and Sam appeared through the doors, and she didn't want to talk about this in front of them. Hope would tell Morris anything she heard… and Morris would probably send a global email to the entire hospital... She trusted Sam a lot more, but she knew she couldn't risk Tony finding out through the grapevine, he didn't deserve that.

Abby also knew that the conversation was over, but not before she grabbed Neela's wrist and made her look at her. 'Think about it Neela, as soon as Ray finishes with Katey, it'll be only a matter of time until everyone figures out what's going on, you know what this place is like. I don't think Katey will spill the beans, but you said you wanted Tony to hear this from you. If you still do, then you're running out of time.'

'It's alright Abby, I know. It's just hard.'

'I know that Honey, but it's the right thing to do, and just remember why you're doing it, what you stand to gain.'

Neela preferred that way of looking at it. She had spent so long today agonising over _how _she was going to break things to Tony that she had forgotten _why_ she was going to do it. However hard it was, and however Tony took it, it would be worth it to finally be with Ray.

There wasn't time to think about it anymore though as finally they heard the roar of the helicopter over the wind, and the lights that had been peering through the gloom came closer.


	6. Explanations

Disclaimer: ER is the creation of writers far more professional than I – nothing to do with me at all!

Author's Note: In case you noticed and were a little confused, I changed the ending of the last chapter a tiny bit. As I was reading back over it, I decided it ended too abruptly, so I just added a tad more. I like to keep things fairly close to what I could see happening in the show, so I am as yet utterly undecided on how Tony's going to take things, as I am still trying to get the measure of the character. It doesn't help that as I live in the UK, I am weeks behind where the show actually is, and what snippets I have gleaned have been from YouTube and US episode guides. Incidentally, how on earth do you search for ER episodes on YouTube with any degree of success? Anyway, enough of my ramblings, back to the story.

When Neela got home, Ray was in the kitchen, overseeing a pan of stir fry, sizzling away noisily, so he didn't hear her come in, and started when a pair of arms wound themselves around his waist.

'Hey you,' he turned around, still in her arms, and bent down to kiss her on the tip of her nose. Her face gave nothing away, she looked tired and happy to be home, but there was no indication of whether she had spoken to Gates. He hoped fervently that she had. 'How was your day?'

'Long. Long, tiring, and frankly, quite shitty. All I could think about was getting home to you.'

Hmm, that still didn't answer the question that he was too afraid to ask. 'Well, dinner will be ready in about ten minutes if you want a quick shower.'

'I think I will if you're okay here, you don't need a hand?'

He shook his head. 'No, I've got it under control. Off you go.' He watched her retreating back as she made her way to the bathroom, and his heart lifted as when she reached the door, she turned and smiled at him over her shoulder. When she looked at him like that, he really didn't care whether or not she had broken things off with Gates, he knew she would when she was ready, and he was determined not to let his impatience make him push her.

In the shower, Neela turned the dial until the water ran scalding hot, then let it flow over her skin, soaking away some of the aches and pains. She had known that Ray wanted to ask if she had spoken to Tony, and could tell he was disappointed that she hadn't mentioned anything. She just needed to take her time, not wanting to hurt anyone more than was necessary. She'd spent so much of the last year or so feeling completely desolate and no-one who had felt like that would want to inflict it on anyone else. If she spun it out too long though, the person she would end up hurting the most would be Ray, and she would die rather than let that happen.

Keeping the shower short, Neela jumped out after a couple of minutes. Wrapping a towel around herself, and another round her hair, she ventured out of the bathroom. In the past, she hadn't been big on wandering around the apartment in a towel, but she decided that it was probably okay now. And when Ray saw her, an appreciative look creeping across his face, she grinned at him. It felt so good to have him look at her like that.

'Just give me a minute. Is it nearly ready?' The smell of dinner was emanating out from the kitchen and Neela felt her stomach growl in anticipation. Ray was a pretty good cook, much better than she was anyway, and she was hungry.

'Yep, hurry up.' The whole time she had been in the shower, it had taken every ounce of Ray's willpower not to go and knock on the bathroom door. Now though, he couldn't resist going over to her. She looked gorgeous standing there, her dark skin against the white towel. 'Did I ever mention to you that I think you are the…' He paused to kiss her neck. 'Most beautiful…' He let his lips gradually move down her neck and along her collarbone, revelling in the clean, fresh smell of her, slightly citrusy from her shower gel.

The feeling of being so close to him set Neela's skin alight. She had always thought that 'going weak at the knees' was a cliché until now, when she had to wrap her arms around his neck just to stay standing. Her heart began to race, and, pressed against Ray's chest, she could feel his doing the same. She let her head fall backwards in order to expose to him as much skin as possible, and couldn't help a quiet moan escaping from her lips. Her towel was starting to loosen and she didn't make any effort to pull it back together.

The moment was lost when suddenly the harsh electronic beeping of the smoke alarm intruded into the scene.

'Shit, dinner.' Ray cursed. He had been getting to the point where he really didn't want to be interrupted.

Neela quickly re-wrapped her towel around herself and slipped out of his arms. 'You go and save the food, I'll be out in a second.'

She retreated to her bedroom swiftly, half thankful for the pause, but still out of breath from the thrill she had felt. Taking a moment to calm herself down, she sat on the bed and tried to steady her breathing. That had been the first time she had experienced Ray's full passion for her, and it had been… mind blowing.

She heard him put some soft music on the stereo and she took that as her cue that whatever was left of dinner was ready. Normally, upon coming home from work, Neela usually just put on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, or even her pajamas, but she wanted to make more effort than that tonight. Ray had been wearing the blue shirt he had worn to her wedding, which she thought was a bit inappropriate, but knowing that it was probably the only one he owned, she appreciated his effort. Going to her wardrobe, she pulled out the first dress she came to. It was a dark blue, wrap around affair with three quarter length sleeves and fell to just above the knee. That would do.

Quickly she slipped on matching underwear. She knew Ray had said that nothing was going to happen until they were both single again, but after what had just occurred, she was highly doubtful that he was going to be able to hold out. She knew she couldn't. She pushed her arms through the sleeves of the dress and quickly wrapped it round herself, tying it so the knot fell on her hip. There was no time to dry her hair properly, so she just towelled it for a minute or so, and ran a brush through it. A quick squirt of perfume, no make-up. There, would that do? She looked in the mirror. It would have to.

The food was on the table when she came out, and it didn't look like quite the sacrificial offering she had been expecting. 'This looks good Ray, I'm not sure how though.'

'You haven't seen the bottom of the pan,' he replied, making her laugh. He saw the way her eyes shone as she chuckled away and tucked into the food, and he thought that nothing in life could come close to this. He couldn't take his eyes off her. He was quite surprised to see her in a dress; he had been expecting her to reappear in her usual, much more casual attire. For some reason the dark blue colour reminded him of the air of passion and sensuality she had given off last night, and it was as much as he could do to get food on the fork.

They didn't talk as they were eating, just letting the music wash over them. When they had finished, they pushed their plates aside, and Neela leaned forwards, resting her elbows on the table and chin on her interlaced fingers. 'Thank you for doing all this for me Ray, you make me feel so special.'

He smiled gently at her. 'Being able to do this for you makes me feel special.'

They stared at each other in silence for a long moment. Without having to say the words, each knew they were both wondering how it had taken them so long to see how right this was.

Ray was the first to speak. 'This is the bit where we have to talk isn't it?'

'Yes, I think so. We can't put this off any longer.' Even though it had only been barely twenty four hours since the ride in the car, it seemed like so much longer because they really should have had this talk a long time ago.

'Okay then. I'll take the plunge. I spoke to Katey today, and I ended things. It was pretty amicable and not anything like as traumatic as I deserved it to be.' He stopped. That didn't seem like enough somehow, he had only said the facts, not explained anything, which he felt he needed to do. 'As far as Katey goes, I just want you to know I know I shouldn't have got involved with her. I… I was,' his eyes darted sideways, ashamed. 'I was so jealous to see you with Gates, that Katey was some combination of revenge and an attempt to alleviate the loneliness, and… I'm sorry.'

'You don't have to apologise. Can I ask you a question though? There's something I don't understand.'

'Of course.'

'Why did, does, whatever, me being with Tony bother you more than when I was with Michael? I was married to him, and Tony and I was only ever going to be about sex, so I would have thought the more emotional attachment would be the one that you were most jealous of.'

Ray smiled tightly. He didn't mind her asking things like this, God knows he had dozens of questions to put to her ten times more difficult than this, but he found it extremely hard to be so open and honest about his emotions. It had been a very long time since he had trusted anyone except himself. But he knew how important it was to get all this out of the way before they could move forwards.

'Well, don't get me wrong, seeing you with Michael, you _marrying_ him, tore me apart, but I always felt, until he went back to Iraq anyway, that he was so much more deserving of you. He was a good man, and even though I didn't want to lose you, I could just about handle losing you to someone worthy of you, a far better man than me.'

'You're a good man too Ray, better than you think you are.'

'If I am, then it's because of what you have made me. But to finish the question, I don't see Tony as a good man, and I don't think he deserves you. That's why I have such a problem with it.'

Neela shook her head to herself, how on earth had she not realised how much Ray cared for her? It was written in his every action, all the time. Even the night she left, he had let her go honourably, putting aside his own feelings in order to not make her life any harder.

'Thank you for answering, I know it was hard. That's the only thing that I really needed to know from you, so it's your turn now. Ask me anything, as much as you want.'

He nodded slowly. Where to start? There was no need to ask the usual questions of when did you fall for me, how? He had been there too, living through every significant look, every accidental touch that sent electricity coursing through both their bodies. It was all the things that had gotten in their way he needed explaining.

'First things first then. I'm assuming you haven't broken things off with Tony yet?' He kept his voice carefully neutral.

'No. I'm sorry, I genuinely did not get the opportunity, not even close. And I'm determined to break it to him gently,' she shrugged. 'That's just the way it has got to be.' She took Ray's thoughtful nod as understanding.

'There's only one other main thing I want to hear you say. All the stuff like why you turned to Tony I'm just going to take as read, I get why you did it. I just want to know, why did you push me away? Up on the roof, why did you say that? All I ever wanted to do was help you, and it killed me that you wouldn't let me.'

When Neela saw the tears in his eyes as he spoke, looking down so he didn't have to meet her gaze, her heart nearly broke. She couldn't answer something like that sitting with a table full of dirty dinner plates between them. She got up, and moved over to him, kneeling down in front of him, and took his hand. With her other hand, she reached up, and brushed away a tear. The enormity of what she did to him was only hitting now as she realised that she, insignificant little Neela Rasgotra had made the invincible Ray Barnett cry.

'I will never, ever forgive myself for hurting you like this, you have to believe me in that. But I had to push you away. I was so consumed by guilt. I was in love with you when I married Michael. I wouldn't admit it to myself, but I think deep down I knew. My husband was off fighting in a war, risking his life every day, and all the while I was here at home betraying him. I know we never did anything, but in my mind, I betrayed him over and over with thoughts of you. And when he died, all I could feel was that if I had been a better wife, he might have wanted to stay here with me, and then he would still be alive.

'I know the logic behind it is all wired up wrong, but it was the way I felt. If I let myself, I would still feel it – a little bit of me will always blame myself for his death, but I know that I can't live like that forever. I don't _want_ to live like that forever. He told me to carry on with life, get married, have babies. And I think deep down, he knew too. He knew who he meant when he told me to do all those things.'

She stopped talking. During her speech, he had slowly slid his eyes up away from the floor and was now looking at her deeply. His tears had dried, but now they were running freely down her cheeks, so he returned her gesture and reached out to wipe them away.

He lowered himself off his chair and knelt on the floor as well. 'And I want to give you all those things. Not right now, this isn't a proposal. But sometime in the future. I love you so much, and I would be _that _honoured if you would even consider me being that guy.'

There were no more words for a long time after that. For a while, they just stayed there on the floor, not even kissing, just hugging each other. He stroked her hair while she softly cried out a few more tears into his chest. It wasn't until the CD played out that the sudden silence galvanised them into some kind of action.

Ray stood up, and helped her to her feet. He leaned down to kiss her, first softly kissing away the remnants of her tears, then he sought her lips. Instead of the gentle, tender kisses of yesterday, he was more insistent, like he had been earlier. While one of his hands tangled itself in her still damp hair, pressing her closer to him, the other went to her hip, where the tied ribbon holding her dress together lay. First, he just rested his hand on it, gently stroking but making no effort to undo the knot, then very slowly, she felt him begin to pull at it, loosening the tie. The dress fell open, and as one hand slipped inside she gasped. The feel of his skin on hers was overwhelming, but she broke away for a moment while she still retained the dual powers of speech and thought.

'Ray, are you sure about this? I thought you wanted to wait. I mean, I think we've waited long enough, and I want this so badly it hurts, but you did say this wasn't going to happen until Tony and Katey were gone.' His hand hadn't stopped its gentle exploration of her skin under the dress, and every now and then he touched a spot that took her breath away, making it hard to get the words out.

'I know, and I'm still not sure this is the best idea. But hearing you say all that… I think maybe that's what I needed to hear, nothing to do with Tony.'

'Well in that case,' she took his hand, 'let me see if I can persuade you this is a good idea.' She backed away from him, pulling him with her towards his bedroom. She didn't know why she chose his, not hers, but it seemed right.

When they got inside, she shut the door behind them, and slipped the already open dress off her shoulders, at which Ray decided he probably wouldn't need all that much persuasion.


	7. The Darkest Hour

Disclaimer: ER and its characters are neither my creation nor my possessions.

Author's Note: Thank you again for the reviews guys, and as a reward, I decided it is about time I put you all, and Ray, out of your misery. However, this chapter was getting so long I split it in two and you're going to have to wait just a little bit longer for the second half. And just as a subtle hint, the more you review, the more motivated to write I get. You never know, a few extra reviews might get the second half up that little bit quicker! (Yes, I am shameless.)

Ray woke up abruptly the next morning. It was still dark outside and his alarm hadn't gone off yet, so whatever the time was, it must be before six. He started to roll over to have a look at the clock he kept on a table next to his bed, then realised he couldn't move. There was a Neela lying across his chest, pinning him to the bed.

Last night had been everything he had ever dreamed of, except that it was real. She had been there with him, he could touch her, see her, feel her moving beneath him. He had had sex with so many girls, but never once made love until tonight. And now he knew he never wanted it to be any other way.

Back in Abby's apartment, when he had been stalling, ostensibly for her benefit, and to do the right thing, there was a part of him laced with doubt. He was terrified of losing her, of everything going wrong, and because of that, he was reluctant to let her see who he truly was, to let her in.

He had still held some of those residual doubts, even after he had let her lead him into the bedroom. She unbuttoned his shirt (the one he had sworn at her wedding that he would never to wear again until he could think back on the day without wanting to die inside) in that careful, precise way she did everything, and she had peeled it back off his shoulders and down his arms. She delicately traced the outline of his tattoo on his arm with the very tip of her finger, sending shivers down his spine. Then she looked up at him, taking his face in her hands.

'You are the one for me,' she had whispered, '_the one._ There has never been anyone else who makes me feel this way, and there never will be. I don't know why being in love scares you, but I am going to carry on loving you until you stop being scared. And then I'm going to love you some more. Do you understand me?' There was something in the intense tone of her voice and the imploring look in her eyes that made him understand that it was okay to let her in. He wasn't going to lose her. He could give her his heart, and he knew that she would look after it. The moment that he realised that was the moment the last of his inhibitions melted away.

And now he was waking up next to her, with her body lying across his, her breath tickling his skin and her fingers intertwined with his. As beautiful as she looked asleep, he couldn't help but wake her. He kissed her lips softly.

'Good morning.'

She didn't open her eyes but she smiled up at him and kissed him back. 'Yes, it is.' She stretched on top of him and slowly opened her eyes. 'Last night was amazing Ray.'

He grinned. 'Didn't I tell you it would be a night to remember?'

She stroked his face. 'I'll never forget this.'

The alarm clock went off just then, and they both groaned in frustration. 'Oh, come on,' Ray exclaimed. 'Again? You have got to be kidding me. I've got to do something about the alarms in this place.'

'I think it's probably trying to tell you that it's time to get up.' Neela rolled off his chest and onto her back, resting on her elbows. 'I take it you have a shift?'

Instead of just pressing the off button on the alarm, he knocked it off the table, and mercifully, when it hit the floor, it stopped beeping. 'Yep, I start at seven.' He leaned over to kiss her then jumped out of bed. She looked at him saucily as he started to move around the room gathering up some clothes, until he glanced back at her. 'Stop that. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to stare?'

'If you didn't want me to look Ray, you wouldn't wander around without any clothes on. Now get in the shower. I'm on at nine so leave me some hot water.'

'You could always join me…?' he offered hopefully.

She shook her head. 'If I did that, we both know neither of us would get to work today, and wouldn't that be a scandal. Now scram.' She threw a pillow at him and he took the hint and went.

It didn't take him long to get ready for work and she soon shooed him out. The minute he was gone, she jumped in the shower and got ready to leave herself. It was six thirty now, and she had to be at work by nine; that gave her two and a half hours. Hopefully that would be enough.

By seven, she was knocking lightly on the door of Tony's apartment. For a minute, she was worried that Sarah would answer, before reasoning that she would probably still be in bed. Sometimes it was hard to remember that the vast majority of people lived by normal hours, getting up when it was light and going to bed in the dark. Years of shift work had destroyed her body clock.

After a minute, she heard footsteps coming that she thought were his, then a voice calling out. 'Hold on a second, I'm on my way.' Thank God, it was him.

The door opened and a smile spread across Tony's face instantly when he saw Neela standing there. It was an extremely pleasant surprise to see her, he had had a tough night, not slept, and he could do with, well, a hug from someone he cared about, he guessed. 'Hey there Mayday, what brings you here so early?' When she didn't answer instantly, he didn't seem fazed. 'Come on in, I'll put some coffee on.'

She let him usher her in, still having said nothing, but didn't sit down or take the mug of coffee he offered her a couple of minutes later. He could tell by her silence there was something amiss but he gave her the opportunity to start in her own time.

'I'm sorry for coming round so early Tony, I hope I didn't get you out of bed.' Her tone was stiff and formal, even more English sounding than usual.

'No problem.' He sipped at his coffee and waited, watching her carefully.

'I…' Just say it Neela, come on. It's hard but you've got to do it. 'I don't…' She stuttered away for what seemed like forever before Tony began to show signs of losing his patience.

'Spit it out.' It wasn't the words so much as the tone that made her stop. He sounded cold, as if his temper was balanced on a knife edge. Oh boy, this could be worse than she thought. Suddenly doing this in the privacy of his apartment rather than a crowded corridor didn't seem like such a good idea.

His manner made her talk, now she just wanted to do the deed and get out of there quickly. 'I don't think we should see each other any more.' She tried not to mumble her words, but her mouth had gone dry and her throat was trying its damnedest to close up.

'You don't think…?' His voice was very measured, giving no clue as to what he was thinking. Anger flitted briefly across his eyes but he instantly quelled it, and reverted back to his dark, neutral stare.

'I don't _want_ to see you any more. I'm sorry.'

He raised an eyebrow. 'You're sorry?'

She refused to look at him.

'Do you mind telling me quite what, exactly, you are sorry for? Is it the fact that I have given up absolutely everything good in my sorry, messed up life for you, and you've just thrown it back in my face? Or is it that, silly little girl that you are, you've fallen for an irresponsible, unreliable womaniser who cares more about his music than his patients, and makes me look like an angel?' He didn't raise his voice but every single syllable was clipped short, and his tone was harsh, though his face remained expressionless.

However, his attempted character assassination of Ray spurred her into answering back, even if her senses told her it might not be such a good idea. 'Don't you dare say those things about Ray. He's twice the man you'll _ever _be.'

'Ah, so you know who I'm talking about then?' he replied sarcastically.

'Of course I do. I'm in love with Ray, and don't try and tell me you don't know, because you've known from the outset, or you wouldn't have tried to compete against him so much.'

'Damn it Neela,' he shouted, finally losing his composure and slamming a fist against the kitchen counter very hard, making her flinch. In the quiet apartment, the sound almost echoed. 'How the hell can you do this to me? I thought I meant something to you. To think I actually cared for you!'

She tried to offer him another apology. 'I never meant for any of this to happen Tony, I'm so sorry. I was just lonely, and you helped take that away for a while. I'm grateful –'

'You're grateful? You're _grateful_?' he flung back at her. 'Good God, Meg was right, you are a whore.'

Neela shook her head. 'I don't have to listen to this. I'm sorry for the way things have turned out, I truly am. But I'm leaving now. Please don't call me.' She picked up her bag and made to leave, but instantaneously, his hand shot out and grabbed her arm, his fingers digging into her flesh.

'Not so fast. I'm not done with you yet.'

'Ouch,' she began to struggle, trying to loosen his grip on her. 'Please, Tony, you're hurting me.' For the first time, there was a flicker of fear in her voice.

Suddenly, they heard a noise come from the stairs and both of them froze. Sarah was standing there in her pajamas, looking utterly horrified at the scene playing out before her.

'What's going on?'

Tony let go of Neela. 'Sarah, how long have you been standing there?'

'What does it matter? Now tell me, what's going on?'


	8. Before the Dawn

Disclaimer: Ladies and gentlemen, please may I take this opportunity to state, absolutely categorically, that ER is not my creation.

Author's Note: Sorry, that was a bit of a cliffhanger. But please don't judge Tony too harshly yet. I'm not as anti-Gates as I may appear in the previous chapter, as I think his character is far too complex to dismiss out of hand as being 'good' or 'bad'.

Sarah was giving off that same air of dangerously quiet anger that she had inherited from him, except Tony knew that not only was it directed at him, but that he entirely deserved it. Now the red cloud of rage was passing, he began to feel sick at the thought of the way the look in Neela and Sarah's eyes told him he had just behaved.

Neela took her sudden freedom as an opportunity to run. Fast. Her heart was pounding and she could feel her hands shaking with fear.

Sarah watched Neela bolt for the door, then pointed at Tony. 'Don't you dare move a muscle. I will be right back.'

She caught up with her just as Neela was leaving the building and called out to her. 'Neela? Neela, please wait a minute.'

Hearing Sarah's voice, Neela slowed down, stopped, and turned round cautiously, ready to take flight again if Tony appeared.

'I'm so sorry about that.' Sarah tried not to look at the dark bruising already spreading on Neela's arm as she apologised for her father's behaviour. It made her want to throw up that her Tony, her Dad, could do that.

'No honey,' Neela said, 'don't you go apologising for him. It's not right that men do that to women and I'm sure your Mum would never want you to think that it is.'

'Believe me, I know that's not okay. But he's not himself, and that isn't me making excuses for him. Last night my grandparents told him they want to, well, they are, as technically they are my legal guardians now, taking me back to Wisconsin with them. They have offered for him to come with us, and he wants to say yes, but his Dad turned up a couple of nights ago, drunk. Tony had to go pick him up from some bar. He doesn't know what to do now.'

A couple of nights ago, Neela thought. Oh god, that was why he couldn't give her the ride home. He hadn't forgotten, he'd had to go scrape his father off some barstool somewhere. She felt her insides curl up in shame. How many more of her lovers was she going to betray?

'Please Neela,' Sarah looked up at her pleadingly, 'don't think badly of him. I'm all he has left now, and he might lose me too. What he just did, that wasn't him, and you know it.'

Both of them were crying, and after a long moment of silence, Neela bent down to hug the girl. No teenager should have to go through what Sarah had lately. 'Its okay sweetie, I know. He just scared me, that's all.' She tried to stop herself trembling in order to protect Sarah from her full fear.

Giving her one last tight squeeze, Neela broke away and stood up. 'I have to go to work now, but will you promise me something?'

Sarah nodded gravely. 'Yes, of course.'

Holding her by the shoulders, Neela looked down at the girl. 'Please make him go to Wisconsin with you. I've seen you together and I know how much he cares for you. Even before all this, you were important to him, and now you are everything. You have the power to save him from becoming what we both saw in the kitchen.'

There was silence, and even though she didn't want to admit it, Sarah knew Neela was right.

'Okay.'

'Good. You look after him, right? You're his number one girl, and I think you probably will be for a while. Tell him not to come into work today; I'll sort someone to cover his shift. After that, I'll make sure the rest of his shifts don't clash with mine so you tell him to ring Luka Kovac to get his new schedule. I think it would be best if I don't see him again before he leaves, do you understand?'

Again, Sarah nodded. Neela was about to walk away, when Sarah spoke. 'Just so you know, I know I'm probably meant to hate you, because my Mum did, but I don't blame you for her dying. I don't blame you for leaving Tony either. Sometimes things don't work out, or bad things happen, it's not always someone's fault, just fate.'

Neela's eyes pricked with tears. How the hell did a scrap of a girl Sarah's age have the wisdom and the composure to come out with a speech like that? All she knew was she was extremely grateful to her. It had lain to rest some ghosts that she thought only time, and a lot of it, was capable of erasing. But before she could find the words to tell her, she had gone, her long blonde curls bouncing behind her as she ran away back up the stairs.

Neela looked at her watch. Eight o'clock. As she started walking back to the El station, she took out her cell and called Abby.

The voice that answered did not sound happy. 'Whoever you are, this had better be good.' Neela had learnt from experience that waking Abby up was sometimes a risky move and always a bad time to ask for a favour.

'I'm sorry, it's me.'

Abby sat up in bed, and opened her eyes. There was something wrong, she could tell by Neela's voice.

'Don't worry about it honey, what is it? What's happened?'

'I… I was just wondering, could you cover Tony's shift today please? I think he starts at ten.'

Abby frowned. 'What? Why?'

'Abby, please don't ask me. Just please cover it, and I will try to explain to you later.' Neela didn't want to talk about what just happened on the phone, in fact, she wasn't sure if she wanted to tell Abby at all. She could imagine that her reaction would be pretty ugly, and the thought of another scene of confrontation made her blood run cold.

'God Neela, I came off a double shift three hours ago. I've had an hour of sleep in the last two days. I don't know if I'd be safe to be working.' Even though Abby was trying to make excuses, she knew she would end up saying yes. Something had clearly happened, and it would be wrong not to help. 'Look, its ok, I'll do it. But in return, you are going to tell me exactly what's going on.'

'Thank you so much Abby. I've got to get to work now, but I will see you in a bit.'

Neela hung up with relief. The fear she had felt was beginning to fade now, and she had stopped trembling. From where she was standing, she could still see the apartment block that Tony lived in. She looked at it for a moment, breathing deeply. She would have guessed that Tony had a temper on him, but had never thought he would hurt her. If Sarah hadn't interrupted them, she didn't know how far things would have got, but she didn't think he was capable of what at the time she had been afraid of. But it didn't matter now, it was all over. Now there was nothing standing between her and Ray.

When Sarah got back to the apartment, she found Tony standing exactly where she had left him. He clearly hadn't moved, and was deathly pale. Without saying anything, she took him by the hand and led him over to the couch to sit down. He followed her quietly, and when he sat, he put his head in his hands and groaned.

'Oh God, what have I done?'

'You've done something terrible. You hurt Neela – her arm is black with bruises, and you scared us. You _terrified_ me.' She kept her voice quiet and soft but was determined not to spare him the horror of what he did. She hadn't been, so why should she protect him from it?

'I… Jesus,' he looked up at her, panic in his eyes, 'I don't even really remember. There was a knocking at the door, and I was so pleased to see her. There was something wrong, but she wouldn't say.' He spoke thickly, as if he didn't really understand what he was saying. 'Then… I was getting angry, and... I don't remember anything until I saw you standing on the stairs looking at me like I was a monster, and Neela aswell. That was when I knew I had done something awful.'

'Oh Tony.' Sarah reached out and hugged him. 'What are we going to do with you?' She stroked his hair, crying herself at the sight of his tears. She wished her Mum was still here, somehow she had always been able to manage Tony's dark times, as if she understood and felt it too, and so shared his burden. There was no-one to do that for him now.

'I'm so sorry for everything Sarah. For this, for your Mum, for your Dad. For me being your Dad. I don't know how to make things okay again.'

'It's all right, I don't expect you to wave a magic wand and everything to go back to the way it was. We've got to learn to live with the way things are now.' She looked up at him shyly. 'You're going to have to be my Dad now. You're the only one I've got left, so I guess I'll have to make do. Will you be able to do that?'

His heart bled at her maturity. She was meant to be the child, not him, but here she was holding him in her small arms and feeding him words of platitude. And yet, it had been years and years since he had felt this… calm. Ever since those horrific times of war in the heat and sand, he had felt like a duck on the surface of a lake, seemingly moving forward smoothly, with little effort, but all the time paddling like crazy under the surface just to stay afloat. Sitting here with his daughter, he saw a future which held something a little better than that.

'Are you saying that you want me to come to Wisconsin with you?' It was all he could find to say. There was no way he could put into words the myriad of emotions he was feeling.

'No, I'm telling you you have to. No choices.'

He took a deep breath and nodded. Now he truly knew the meaning of the phrase, 'the darkest hour comes before the dawn.' This morning, for him, had been both his very darkest hour, his lowest point, and the beginning of something new and better.

'Wisconsin it is then.' He eased himself out of her embrace and kissed her forehead. 'Now, I had better get ready for work.'

Sarah shook her head. 'No, you're not going in today.'

'I have a shift, I can't just…'

'Neela is sorting for someone to cover you today. And she says after that, to call… Luka someone? For your new schedule.'

'What do you mean?'

She couldn't meet his eye when she answered. 'Neela was going to organise it so that you and her didn't umm… have a shift together.'

Tony just nodded slowly. Wow, he really had made a mess of this. He knew the only thing he could do to make things okay for Neela was to just leave her to get on with her life. He was pretty sure that she had told him something about Ray, which would definitely mean the right thing to do would be to stay away from her until he went to Wisconsin.

As for Sarah, he still had the power to put things right there, so from now on, he would devote all his energies to that. Later on, he would call Luka and hand in his notice, but right now, it was time for a little father-daughter bonding.

He stood up. 'Do you want to go catch some breakfast before school?'

She sensed the conversation about what had happened was over, and that it wouldn't be mentioned again. She hoped it would never have to be.

'Breakfast sounds good…Dad.'


	9. Leaving the past behind

Disclaimer: The characters and scenarios in the ER are not owned by me, I simply use them for my own, and hopefully, your, amusement.

Author's Note: See; Gates is not all bad. In fact, the way I have depicted him here almost gives him touches of PTSD which I attributed to his time in the Gulf, which may be a little bit of a jump, but I don't see as being totally out of the way. Thank you for your reviews, I love hearing what you think about the way the story is going. And on the subject of the story, on we go…

When Neela reached the hospital, she had almost entirely calmed down. The trembling had stopped, and her breathing was normal again, but she couldn't quite shake those residual feelings of fear. Sort of like, after a car accident, when the car has stopped moving and the smoke has cleared, and in the stillness afterwards you test each one of your limbs, and then your neck, and you realise that you're not hurt, but you can't quite escape the knowledge that you were in danger.

As she walked towards the ambulance bay though, she saw a figure standing outside that took her mind off the scene with Tony. There was one other person that she felt deserved to know about her and Ray before the general gossip tree worked its way around the staff, and she hoped they would give her their blessing.

She called across the street. 'Greg!'

'Hey Neela,' he replied. 'How are you? I was just taking five, it's a madhouse in there. So much for the graveyard shift, I haven't had a busier day shift than that was in weeks.'

'If you were doing graveyard, shouldn't you be home by now?'

He gave her a sardonic smile. 'The joys of being Chief Attending. Apparently the position carries a level of responsibility to my patients and staff.'

'Wow, bet you're pissed off no-one warned you about that, hey?'

He laughed, then frowned down at her. 'Are you okay Neela? You look a bit shook about something.' She could see him beginning to cast his professional eye over her, and quickly tried to look brighter and less worried. Maybe out of everyone, Greg would be the worst person to find out about what just happened. He had one hell of a temper and hated Tony as it was.

'Oh, I'm fine, just freezing out here.' She paused, then began again nervously. 'There's something I want to tell you though. I don't think you'll be very happy, but I thought it was right to tell you properly, first.'

Much to her surprise, Pratt just laughed, a real, hearty laugh. 'You and Barnett finally saw the light then?'

Neela blinked up at him in shock. 'What? How did you…?'

'Sweetheart, the way you two feel about each other is so obvious even I can see it. And I'm crap at this stuff.'

She let out a big sigh of relief at the way he seemed to be taking the news. But then, it sounded like he had had longer than she had to get used to the idea. 'So… you're okay with it?'

He thought that she looked like she needed a bit of reassurance, so he pulled her towards him and enveloped her in a hug. 'I'm okay with it. And thank you for telling me. I'm honoured.'

He let her go and Neela gave him a watery smile. 'You're sure?'

'I'm sure I'm sure. Now go on, get in there. No doubt Crenshaw will be waiting by the clock, ready to chew your ass off if you're a second late.' As she made her way to the entrance, he thought of something else that she probably needed to hear from him, even if she didn't realise it, and he knew he was the only one who could say it and make her believe it.

'Neela?' She turned back to face him. 'You know something else? Michael's okay with it too.' There was nothing else she needed to say to that, as she knew Greg understood, so she shot him a grateful look over her shoulder and continued inside.

Looking at her watch as she went through the doors, she found that she had a few minutes before her shift started upstairs, so went over to the admit desk.

'Morning Frank, is Ray about anywhere?'

Her chirpiness irritated him. 'How am I meant to know? Apparently he's a doctor, so why not try with a patient.'

She was in too good a mood now to let Frank's unhelpfulness annoy her, and as she looked around, she saw the tails of Ray's white coat disappearing into the doctor's lounge, and she quickly followed. When she opened the door, he was standing by the coffee pot, and looked up, a smile spreading across his face when she saw her.

'Hey, are you all right? What are you doing down here?'

'Oh, I just had a few minutes to spare before I had to start upstairs, so I thought I'd come and see you.' She went over to him and wrapped her arms around his middle, resting her cheek against his chest, and revelled in feeling so safe and protected.

'You want a hug hey? Well, I think I can manage that.' He put his arms around her too, leaning down to rest his chin on the top of her head. 'Not that I mind of course, but any particular reason?'

'I went to see Tony…'

Ray immediately broke from the hug and held her away from him to see her expression. He could feel his face trying to break into a wide smile, but he tempered it until he could gauge her reaction. 'How did it go?' He couldn't help the hope and excitement creeping into his voice though; this meant so, so much to him.

'I spoke to him, and it's over. In fact, he's leaving, he's moving to Wisconsin to be with Sarah.' Sitting on the El earlier, she had gone over and over in her mind whether or not she should tell Ray what happened with Tony. She didn't want there to be any secrets or lies between them, but on the other hand, she was afraid of what Ray would do when he realised Tony had hurt her. In the end, she had made the resolve to tell him, after all, she would never be able to hide or explain away those bruises. Here in the hospital wasn't the right place though, where not only was there too big an audience, but Ray could easily find out where Tony lived, and go after him. If she told him in their apartment, she would have the opportunity to calm him down before he could do anything stupid.

'What, just like that? It was that easy?' There was something he wasn't telling him, of that he was absolutely sure, but he didn't want to force her. She had been very sensitive about the whole issue of her and Gates and had had to take her time about it throughout it all.

But, it was over and his heart soared. These last couple of days he had been living in some dream world which he was convinced he was going to wake up from at any moment. And now it felt like he had, but that the reality was even better.

Neela put all thought of Tony to the back of her mind and made herself focus on the fact that finally, she and Ray were completely free to be together without hurting or betraying anyone, and that brought a genuine smile to her face. 'Maybe not _that_ easy. But that doesn't matter, I'll tell you about it later –'

'What do you mean? What is there to tell?' His eyes glinted dangerously.

'Ray,' she looked up at him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and smiled seductively, now knowing just how easily he could be distracted. 'I don't want to talk about Tony right now. Just kiss me.'

He did. He picked her up and spun her around, before setting her down again and kissing her like it was going out of fashion. It felt unbelievable to hold her in his arms and know that there was nothing standing in their way now. He wanted to shout about it from the rooftops. As it was, he contented himself with deepening the kiss, lifting her up to him to hold her closer and so he didn't have bend so far.

For a minute, all thought was suspended, then an annoying little voice in her head reminded Neela that she had a shift to start. She pulled away and wriggled out of his arms. 'I have to go. My shift is starting.'

'I don't ever want to let you go.'

'Tough luck, you're going to have to. But I promise you it will only be temporarily.'

'I like the sound of that.' He smiled at her as she left, and then found that even after the door had closed behind her, he couldn't stop that smile being fixed on his face, where he thought it would probably remain for the rest of the day.


	10. More explanations required

Disclaimer: Everything that is anything to do with the ER does not belong to me. Obviously, as if it did, Shane West would also belong to me, and let's just say I wouldn't be wasting time writing on here.

Author's Note: Hm, last chapter wasn't my favourite, it didn't feel like it flowed as smoothly as the others, so if I get a better idea, it might go. The Neela and Pratt bit would definitely stay though, I think it would be important to Neela to tell Michael's best friend about her and Ray face to face. And as for this chapter, you said you liked Abby, so here you get Abby.

Abby got to the hospital eventually at about ten thirty. Joe's regular sitter, having been told she had the day off, had made plans and after calling most people she could think of, which wasn't many, Abby had eventually left him, with a degree of trepidation, with a neighbour from down the hall.

She was greeted by a scene of what looked like utter chaos, being presided over by an even more miserable than normal looking Frank. 'What are you doing here? Don't you have a kid to look after or something?'

'Lovely to see you too Frank, on this fine day.' Sometimes Frank just seemed to like being miserable, the best way to shut him up was to let him. 'What's up anyway? Why is it so busy, has there been a major trauma?'

'Some scaffolds on a construction site collapsed first thing, had a few in from that. But everyone's useless this morning, Barnett's been wandering around with a grin on his face and his head in the clouds ever since he and Neela had a little rendezvous in the doctors' lounge and Gates is a no show.'

Wow, Abby thought, it really doesn't take people long in this place, does it? Trying to keep her and Luka's engagement from everyone was hard enough, an entire relationship was obviously impossible.

'Well, don't worry about Gates, I'm here to cover.'

'Didn't you just get off a double only a few hours ago?'

'Keen as ever, Frank.'

He frowned at her. 'Am I missing something here?'

Abby smiled sweetly at him, just to try to throw him a bit. Until she knew exactly what had happened, she didn't know what she was trying to cover up, so she wanted to give away as little as she could. Whatever it was would probably be blown out of all proportion at any rate.

'Look, you were a doctor down, and now you're not. Problem sorted.' At that point, Luka came up behind her.

'Good morning,' he leant down to give her a welcoming peck on the cheek. 'How come you are here? Who is Joe with?'

Abby took his arm and led him away a little, out of the earshot of Frank, who she knew was eavesdropping keenly despite his pretence of avidly shuffling paper. 'It's all right, Mrs Szepietowski has taken Joe for the day.'

'Yes, but why are you –'

'To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. I got a call at eight o'clock this morning from Neela asking me to cover Gates' shift today, but she wouldn't explain why.'

Luka frowned. 'Do you think perhaps he is ill? Should I call him?'

Abby had to suppress a little chuckle at her fiancé, he really hadn't caught on at all, bless him. Had he not seen Ray's face? Abby could only imagine how big the grin was now he and Neela were finally together. Goodness knows the poor guy had been waiting long enough. 'Umm, I don't think that he's ill Luka.'

He looked so confused that Abby took pity on him. She patted his arm and smiled up at him gently. 'Don't worry about it right now, I'll explain it later.'

'So you know what is going on then?'

'Well, sort of, I know some of it. Let me find out the rest and then I'll tell you.'

He gave her a wry look, and said teasingly. 'Who exactly is meant to be the Chief of Staff around here, hey?' In fact, he didn't mind. If there was something personal going on behind the scenes, he would far rather his staff didn't bring it to work, although he wasn't entirely happy with Abby working yet another shift.

'Behind every great man is an even greater woman – think of me as the driving force behind your success.'

Laughing, he smiled at her. 'Don't I know it.' He wanted sometimes to tell her just how true that was, but he knew she didn't have to be told things like that, they understood each other in ways that went beyond words. It was one of the many, many reasons he loved her.

They were interrupted by Frank calling over. 'Hey, Luka, call for you.' Abby had a feeling she knew who it was going to be, so she gave him a gentle shove towards the admit desk. Resisting the temptation to listen, Abby went about her shift. If it was Tony, she'd hear about it soon enough.

'Thanks Frank, who is it?'

'Gates.'

Luka reached out and took the phone. 'Tony, why is my girlfriend covering your shift this morning? This had better be an explanation, and it had better be good.'

'I'm sorry Luka. I'm calling to hand in my notice.'

Luka was floored. This was entirely out of the blue to him; he knew things had been very difficult for Tony lately, with Meg's death, and gossip, which he usually declined to listen to, but on occasions, couldn't avoid, also had hinted at the girl being his daughter, but leaving? He hadn't expected that one, although he had a feeling Abby wouldn't be as surprised as he was, as whatever was going on, she must be at least partially privy to; she had admitted as much.

In the unlikely event of him ever learning to take orders, Luka felt that Gates had the potential to be a great doctor; he had a talent for putting the patients, particularly children, right at ease and helping them understand what was happening. Throwing in the towel now seemed such a waste in Luka's eyes.

'Tony, I have to say I am surprised, and disappointed to hear this. You know I am going to ask you to reconsider, don't you?'

'I hope to continue with medicine, but as far as leaving County goes, my mind is made up Luka. Meg's parents are taking Sarah back to Wisconsin with them, and I am going as well. She's my daughter, so my main responsibility lies with her. I hope you understand.'

One thing Luka did understand was the importance of family, but he felt instinctively there was a lot more to it than that. 'Yes.' He paused. 'How immediately am I to accept your resignation?'

'Umm, as soon as you will let me. I don't want to leave you in the lurch, so if I'm needed then I will come in, but if you could schedule me for as few a shifts as possible… Well, I expect Neela's already spoken to you about that.'

'Neela? What does Neela have to do with this? I expect my staff to keep their personal lives out of my department Tony, so if this is something to do with –'

Tony sighed. He had wanted to leave Neela completely free to tell Luka what had happened so she could put whatever spin on it she wanted, and he didn't want to say anything to conflict with that, but it was clear that she hadn't managed to get round to it yet.

'Look, Luka, I'll make this easier for you. I'm resigning with immediate effect, I'll be in later in the day to empty my locker, after which I won't be back. Please take me off any future rosters and accept my apologies for the inconvenience this is causing.'

Luka was left looking slightly quizzically at the receiver, connecting him to the now dead line, he still held in his hand. 'Frank, is there something going on around here today that I should know about?'

'Don't ask me, no-one tells me anything,' he grumbled.

Just then, a pair of paramedics burst through the doors with a man writhing on a gurney, and covered in blood, and that, followed by a procession of cases as the day went on, gave Luka no chance to think any more about what to do with Gates for hours.

Abby, however, wasn't one to give up as easily as that. Since Crenshaw had discovered in Jane a kindred spirit of cynicism and sarcasm, he had been taking it upon himself to do the ER consults far more often than he was generally known for, which made it more difficult to pin Neela down without having to find an excuse to go upstairs. Eventually, just as she had finished patching up a little girl who had been knocked off her bike, she saw Neela waiting in the doorway for her.

'Quickly, before Crenshaw sees me down here. Do you have time to pop over to Ike's to grab a coffee? Now I'm not Dubenko's favourite anymore, and with Crenshaw following Jane around, it's suddenly become easier to catch a break.'

Abby knew it was too busy really for her to go, but she was far too curious not to. And besides, there was something not right that had gone on, and she thought Neela would probably need someone to talk to. 'Okay, but I can't spare long.'

In Ike's, they ordered a coffee and slipped into a booth. 'Go on then. I'm covering the shift, now it's your turn. What happened?' Under Abby's even stare, Neela knew she had no chance of keeping it a secret.

'Promise me you won't fly off the handle.'

'Why? What did he do? I might need to fly off the handle.'

'Abby, I mean it. I don't want this widely known. I'm telling you now, and I'll tell Ray tonight.' She paused, then added as an afterthought, 'and you can tell Luka. But that's all. Once the words are out, this will not be mentioned again, ever.'

'Okay Neela, whatever you say, I promise.'

Neela gave her friend a shrewd look, then decided to trust her. She was sure Abby would not to tell anyone in the hospital about it, she was more worried about what she might do than what she might say, but Abby was one of those people who always kept their word.

'I went round to see him early this morning, before work, and I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.'

'Well done, good for you. How did he take it?'

In reply, Neela gingerly rolled up her right sleeve to expose the bruising, and looked at Abby deeply. 'Not so good, actually. In fact, I would go as far as to say, definitely could have been better.' She tried to make light of it, but she knew she wouldn't get away with it that easily.

Abby's eyes first widened at the sight of the bruises, then narrowed in anger. 'Are you telling me he did that to you?'

Neela looked down, ashamed. 'Things got a little out of hand, he –'

'Out of hand?' Abby exploded. 'He's hurt you, he actually left bruises, that's assault Neela, you can't just let him get away with it. You've seen what happens when men do this and women don't report it.'

'Abby, calm down. You promised.' At that, Abby sat back in her seat and tried to rein in her anger a little, for the sake of her friend. 'Look, it doesn't matter now, he's leaving Chicago, he's moving away to be with Sarah.'

'Neela, it doesn't matter where he is, he still shouldn't be allowed to get away with it,' Abby tried to remonstrate. By Neela's expression though, she knew she wasn't going to get anywhere, so she changed tack.

'Are you going to tell Ray?'

'I wasn't sure at first, but I know I can't keep anything from him, I wouldn't want to. I'm just afraid of what he might do; I don't want any more confrontations, that one was bad enough.'

'He'll probably kill him.'

Neela pulled a face. 'Thank you Abby, that comment was really helpful.'

'Hey, I'm sorry, but Ray would do anything to defend you, especially against something like this. I'm not saying lie to him, but are you sure telling him is the best idea?'

'No, but I'm going to anyway. Besides, I can't exactly hide the bruises, can I?'

'Well, just wear long sleeves for a few days, I wouldn't have known they were there until you rolled your shirt up.' Neela looked away bashfully, which elicited a wide grin from Abby. 'Oh, I see. That gentlemanly air didn't last long, did it?'

'I kind of didn't let it…'

'Come on then, let's hear it.'

Right at that moment, Neela's pager went off, and she shot Abby a triumphant look. 'Oops, looks like I'm needed somewhere, guess I can't stay and chat.' She then lost her playful air, and became serious again. 'What I just told you, you will keep it quiet, won't you?'

'Neela, I don't know. If you were a patient and I suspected a violent assault had taken place, I would call the police, and so would you. I can't see how this is any different.'

'The reason it's different,' Neela replied, 'is that I'm not asking you as a patient, I am asking you as a friend.' Abby sat back in her seat, and sipped at her now cold coffee, watching Neela's retreating back. There was no way she could say anything after that.


	11. Catching a break

Disclaimer: I think by now you all probably know the ER, its characters, and its storylines, are not of my creation.

Author's Note: Please keep the reviews rolling in (they're not just to stroke my ego, honestly, they do help in deciding where to take the story), they have slowed up a bit lately, although a massive thank you goes out to my faithful reviewers who manage a few words after every chapter.

Neela's page had been from Luka, who had finally found the time in between patients to try to find out what was going on. He had been waiting for her when she came in, and had taken her quietly into the doctor's lounge and asked her what she knew about Gates' resignation. She kept her answers as short as she could without being impolite, as although she did consider Luka a friend, in this capacity, he was a boss, and she didn't feel comfortable airing her private life to him. She got away with simply telling him that her relationship with Tony was over, and that yes, he really was serious about going. No, she didn't really think the two were linked, he was leaving to be closer to Sarah.

She felt no need to be more explicit than that, knowing that Abby would fill him in on the rest. Besides, her insides clenched in, well, embarrassment she supposed, at admitting she had been on the receiving end of violence. She knew deep down it wasn't her fault, but she could understand now why so many women were reluctant to tell anyone. She just wished it would all go away, and was glad that for her, unlike so many women out there, it actually would do.

She got out of there as quickly as she could, and sneaked her way back up to the surgical ward, hoping that no-one would notice she had been missing for over half an hour. As it turned out, they hadn't, although when she got back, Jane was waiting for her.

'Neela, Ray says he'll wait for you to finish your shift. What's the deal with you two by the way, I thought you were seeing Tony.'

For a second, she felt a flash of annoyance at Ray for using Jane as a messenger service, then remembered that now there was no reason for everyone not to know. Knowing Ray, he was probably off somewhere shouting it from the rooftops, she knew he was too happy not to want to tell people. It wasn't like you could keep anything quiet around here anyway, the few days they had already managed were bordering on a miracle.

'Oh, it's complicated,' she said dismissively, hoping Jane would leave it at that. No such luck, she could tell, so she tried to deflect her colleague's interest with an enquiry of her own. 'How come you're up here?'

'So which one are you with? Or is it both?' Jane asked, neatly avoiding Neela's question.

'Jane! It isn't both. I'm… Ray and I are…'

'Well, it was Tony last time I noticed.'

'And now it's Ray,' she said in a conclusive sort of tone that even Jane took to mean that the conversation was over.

Downstairs, Ray was killing time before Neela's shift ended, hanging around, making a nuisance of himself. Twice Luka had told him to either find a patient to look after or go home, but each time he had managed to wriggle out of it. In truth, he wanted to talk to Abby. After a while, he got bored of waiting and lay in wait in an empty cubicle, and when she walked by, he quickly pulled her in.

'Ray, what are you doing? I thought you finished ages ago.'

'I'm waiting for Neela.' Okay, maybe could have guessed that, Abby thought to herself. 'I was wondering though, has she said anything to you about what happened this morning when she went to see Gates?'

Abby looked at him warily, trying not to let him see her caution. 'It's been pretty busy –'

'Luka said earlier the two of you went over to Ike's for coffee. I presumed that was for a full mother's meeting to discuss events.' Ray didn't sound suspicious but Abby kicked herself for being evasive, there was nothing more likely than that to fuel his concerns.

'Yes, we did, I wanted the gossip on you two. She told me she went round to Tony's to tell him this morning, but she was paged before we had chance for much of a chat.' Abby kept her voice casual, and tried to persuade herself she wasn't lying to him, as what she had said was the truth, just an economical version of it.

'Oh,' Ray looked thoughtful for a moment. 'It's just, well, I don't know, I might just be overreacting, but I felt there was something that happened that she wasn't telling me about. I wanted to ask you if she said anything to you about how he took it, that's all.'

'Shouldn't you be asking Neela about this?' Abby said, changing the direction of the conversation just enough to not have to answer his question without, she hoped, making it too obvious what she was doing.

'I tried, but she said she didn't want to talk about him.'

'Well, maybe she was more interested in being with you rather than thinking about him Ray. I know she hasn't been very good at showing it, but you're not the only one of the pair of you who has been in that place for a while, the only difference is she wasn't ready to be there. Until now.'

'It's just, no matter what she says to reassure me, I still can't believe that something's not going to happen to take all this away from me.' His expression was so earnest it almost amused her to see Ray behaving like this, with such a total abandonment of his laid back, devil-may-care attitude.

'Well, it isn't going to Ray. Not if you don't let it. All you have to do is trust it, and trust her.'

He smiled. 'I do.'

'Go on then, go and annoy her instead,' her eyes twinkled. 'Leave me to get on with my work, some of us still have half a shift left.' She paused thoughtfully. 'You'd better look after her Ray, she loves you like crazy.'

'Not half as much as I love her.'

When she was coming to the end of her shift, Neela noticed Ray loitering around the main desk of the surgical department, and slipped over to him. 'What are you doing up here, wouldn't you be better off waiting downstairs?'

'Are you trying to say you don't want to be seen with me?' Neela could tell from his playful tone and his cheeky grin that he was in one of those stupid moods that never failed to drive her crazy in two very different ways. Oh well, it might make telling him about Tony later on a little easier, she thought.

'I'm saying I don't particularly want my boss to see me with you.' Her tone was harsh, but her eyes told him she didn't mean it.

'Its okay, Crenshaw likes me,' he replied offhandedly.

The way he said it made her think maybe he was being serious, so Neela raised her eyebrows in surprise. 'Crenshaw doesn't like anyone in the ER, except Jane. What makes you think he likes you?'

'We had a little bonding session a few weeks ago. We're almost buddies.' Okay, so maybe he wasn't being serious.

'Dare I ask?'

'I called him out over liking Jane, and he called me, and I quote "a silly infant", which I think is the nicest thing he has ever said to a member of the ER. So he must like me.'

Neela groaned. 'Look, I'm finished in quarter of an hour, I've just got to go and talk to this one last patient, and that's it. Can't you go and warm the car up or something?'

'Warming the car up would be so much more fun if you were there with me. Less strenuous on the battery, although maybe the suspension...' He grinned suggestively, then they both jumped as Crenshaw piped up behind them.

'Dr Rasgotra, pass me that chart, I will go and talk to Mrs Hilliard. I cannot bear to listen to such juvenile behaviour in my department. Please take your ER buddy and go home.' His tone was as cutting as always, but just at the moment he said the words "ER buddy", Neela noticed his eyes flick over her shoulder, to where, out of the corner of her eye, she could see Jane standing. It was just enough to make her think perhaps, at last, Crenshaw was giving her a break, and that he might be a human being after all.

She handed over the chart. 'I can actually go?' It seemed too good to be true.

'Run. Flee. Before I change my mind. And take that,' he looked at Ray with a slight expression of distaste, 'with you.'


	12. Uncovering the truth

Disclaimer: It would be nice if I was a successful scriptwriter rather than a struggling student, but I'm not, so material relating to the ER is not mine.

Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews for the last chapter, obviously a shameless plea works wonders! While I'm on the subject of shameless pleas, if you like this story, have a gander at a new piece of writing I have posted, "Looking Back", it's a little one-shot so won't take a moment to read. And sorry for the cliffhanger, it wasn't intentional; I just wanted to devote a whole chapter to what was coming next.

Neela and Ray took Crenshaw's advice and ran, first dashing to the locker room to change out of her lab coat and grab her jacket, then running down the stairs hand in hand like a pair of teenagers let out of school early.

'See, I said he liked me,' Ray said triumphantly.

'After what just happened, I think I'm going to be forced to agree with you,' Neela laughed.

She couldn't keep up with his long strides, taking the steps three at a time, so she yanked him back to her. 'Slow down Ray, I can't keep up,' she panted. 'And you're going to fall and break your neck if you go down stairs like that.'

She pouted at him, and he couldn't resist leaning in and kissing the pout away, which left her even more breathless. He backed her into the railings, kissing her harder, but the ironwork dug into her back so she pushed him off.

'Ray! Can't you even wait til we get home?'

'Why do you think I was running?' The look he gave her suddenly made her feel that she wasn't capable of waiting that long either. But she would do, because she was _not _having sex in the hospital stairwell, whether Ray liked it or not.

'Stop it. What is with you this evening?'

At that, Ray dropped his act of silliness and took both her hands gently. 'Because I have been waiting for so long for this moment, and now it's here, I just can't believe my luck. I keep pinching myself – I even asked Jane to pinch me earlier, which was a big mistake actually, that girl is violent –' Neela laughed at his momentarily affronted expression. 'But I'm not waking up. So I have come to the conclusion that this is real, so I'm sorry if I'm driving you up the wall, but just for tonight, I can't help myself, okay?'

She smiled at him, her heart melting. This was what she had always imagined finding her soul mate would be like, she had just never really thought it would happen to her. She wound her arms around his neck and started to pull him down to her, then shrieked in surprise. He had leant down and in one swift movement, gathered her up in his arms.

'Ray, what are you doing?' she remonstrated, trying to writhe her way out of his grasp. 'Put me down.'

'No. And stop wriggling, I don't want to drop you.' As they were going down the stairs, at a slightly slower rate than earlier admittedly, although nowhere near what Neela would describe as "safely", she decided she had better do as she was told. '_And_ stop complaining. This is a grand romantic gesture, in case you hadn't noticed.'

Knowing she wasn't going to win, and not really wanting to, Neela settled herself into his arms and rested her head against his chest for the journey to the car. When they got outside, it was snowing hard and he broke out into a run again, slipping and sliding, but managing not to fall over.

Once they were ensconced in his car, which had involved plenty of giggling and banging of heads, they calmed down a bit. It took a little while longer than normal to get home because of the appalling weather, and as Ray had to concentrate on driving, the silence gave Neela the chance to think through what she was going to say to him about Tony. Eventually she decided there was no way of softening it or skirting round the subject, she would have to come right out with the truth, and hope she could manage his reaction afterwards. Given that Tony would soon be gone, she would far rather not say anything, and let it fade into the past along with the whole of this dark, guilt ridden, grief filled year, but all truly good relationships were based on truth and honesty (a key feature lacking in her marriage) and she was determined not to make the same mistakes again.

When they got inside, they took off their coats, and Ray reached for her almost before the door had finished closing, as she had known he would. She put up a hand to stop him, and he immediately tensed up.

'Neela, what's wrong?'

'You remember earlier when you asked me what happened with Tony…'

He groaned loudly in frustration. 'I knew there was something else. Why didn't you tell me?'

She led him to sit down. 'I'm telling you now. And before I do, I just want to say, you're not going to like it, but I am asking you not to get angry. I don't want you losing your temper.'

'Neela, to be honest, I'm getting pretty close to losing my temper now. I would prefer it if you would please just tell me. You're making me worried.' He had said he was getting angry but his expression belied that; the lines that had etched themselves into his face were pure anxiety.

'Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't want to tell you in the hospital in front of everyone. But…' As she had with Abby, she rolled her sleeve up. She found showing the bruises a lot easier than actually saying the words.

Much to her surprise, Ray didn't go mad right away. In fact, he didn't say anything at all. He took her hand gently and extended her arm further into the lamplight, so he could see better. It was the first time Neela had really looked at them as well, and she felt sick at the sight of the blackish purple marks, four fingers and a thumb easily identifiable. They looked so out of place on her smooth skin.

She wouldn't look at him, so he cupped her chin and raised it until she didn't have a choice. 'Did he do this to you?'

His voice was quiet and dangerous, and his eyes were flashing.

'Ray…'

'Did he do this to you?' He was still holding her tenderly, but she knew under the surface he was very, very angry. Only how angry, she didn't like to guess, as when he lost his temper, it was always in a loud way, never this quiet control.

'Yes, but –'

'Did he hit you?'

'No.'

'Did he… do anything else to hurt you?'

'No, Ray, he didn't, it wasn't anything like that. We were just arguing and he said some pretty horrible things, which I didn't really mind, because he's been through a tough time, and I was breaking up with him. I didn't want to stay and listen to it though, so I said I was going, and he reached out and grabbed my wrist to stop me.' There, she had told him. She hadn't mentioned the fear she had felt though, and although she wanted to, she waited for some sort of reaction from Ray.

He nodded slowly. Looking at those bruises invoked so many feelings in him he didn't know what to do or say. His blood was boiling at the thought of Gates hurting Neela, he wanted to kick that permanently smug smirk of his right off his face. He wanted to bruise him like he had bruised Neela. And yet, there was a stab of familiar guilt that he hadn't been able to protect her from this. He knew what Gates was like, he had seen his type before, all charm on the surface until things stop going his way… He should have seen this coming, he shouldn't have let the fact of Meg's death make him feel sorry for the bastard.

Eventually, Ray exploded, and Neela let out a breath she hadn't realised she was holding; this Ray she knew, this Ray she could deal with.

'I'm going to kill him. How could he do this to you?' Ray leapt up and ran to the door, grabbing his jacket and trying to push his arms through the sleeves. 'The evil bastard! I can't believe it.'

Neela ran after him and put herself between him and the door, gripping his shoulders. 'No Ray, I don't want you to. It's all over, he's leaving, and we don't ever have to see him again.'

'You want him to get away with this?'

'Ray, please. He isn't getting away with anything. This doesn't matter,' she pleaded.

'Damn it Neela, it matters to me! It matters to me that I couldn't protect you from this.'

There was something in the way he said that last sentence that made Neela think that there was something deeper than just anger at Tony. It would explain his initial quiet reaction, which had, frankly, scared her, when she had been expecting shouting like this.

'Is that what this is about? That you weren't there to "protect" me?' she asked in a very quiet voice.

'Neela, let me go. Let me out of here.' He was still shouting.

'No Ray, I'm not letting you go anywhere. I want you to answer my question.'

'Yes, okay! Is that what you want to hear? Yes, I couldn't protect you just like I couldn't protect her, and that's why I want to kill him for hurting you.'

Neela frowned. 'I don't understand, who do you mean by her?'

Finally, Ray's shoulders sagged and she could see the fight drain out of him. He gave up with the jacket, which is his anger he had still been trying to put on, and let it fall to the floor. 'My mum. Her second husband, not my Dad, the guy she married after him, was a Vietnam vet, and he was pretty messed up in the head. He used her as a punchbag, and when I argued with it, me too. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop it, I couldn't protect her from him.'

'Oh Ray.' She reached out to him and stroked his cheek. 'Ray, I don't know what to say.'

He shook his head silently, and just let her put her arms around him.

'Is this what it's all been about? The anger at Tony? The reason you were stalling last night?' She didn't want to force him to talk about it, but she sensed he needed to.

'I think so.'

'Do you want to tell me about it?'

He thought for a minute. Did he want to tell her? Would it help? What was there to say anyway, he had been nine years old, and looking back on it all as an adult, the rational, logical side of him knew that there was nothing he could have done about it, but a child never sees things that way. It was a deep, dark guilty secret that he had carried around with him for too long. Perhaps the best thing would be to leave it in the past, where it belonged.

'No. I think it's time I put it behind me. He drank himself to death inside two years, and my Mum and I were free, and she was never stupid enough to fall for someone like him again. She got over it pretty fast, so maybe I should too.'

Neela scanned his face for any sign that he was hiding something from her, keeping something back, but he was being honest, she could tell. Maybe the scar didn't go quite as deeply as she thought.

'Really Neela. I think I can learn to be okay with this.' He had lost count of the number of times they had swapped the roles of the reassurer and the person in need of the reassurance. Now it was back to him reassuring her, but he knew that the roles would have to change a few more times before they were both through all their troubles, although he thought that maybe they were nearly there now.

He leant down to kiss her, but with none of the playfulness he had had earlier. He softly brushed her lips at first, like he had in the car that night, giving her the chance to pull away, and then when she didn't, kissed her again, more decisively. For the second time that night, he picked her up, and this time carried her straight through to his bedroom, gently laying her on the bed.

Last night, despite its sensuality, had quickly turned into fiery, clothes ripping, back scratching passion, but this was different. Every move he made was so slow and precise, as if he wanted to etch every detail of her into his memory forever. Which he did, he needed some new memories to replace the ones he had left behind, and he hoped he gave her the same.

Hours later, when they both lay exhausted, but unable to fall asleep, Neela spoke up. 'Are you sure there's nothing more you want to say about your Mum? I'm hear to listen any time.'

'No, really, but thank you. What about you? I didn't let you finish telling me about what happened this morning. If there's anything more to say, I promise I won't lose it again.'

'Nothing more happened than that. He grabbed me, and was just beginning to shout at me again when Sarah appeared down the stairs; the shouting must have woken her up. And… and then he let go of me, and I ran away. Sarah followed me, and we had a little chat, and that's when she promised to make him go to Wisconsin with her.'

Ray sat up in bed suddenly. 'So you don't know for sure he's going?'

Neela reached up and pulled him back down again, cutting him off before he even began. 'He's definitely going; he called Luka today to hand in his notice, which Luka has accepted. It really is over.'

He sank back into the pillows gratefully, and took her in his arms. 'Thank God for that. You poor thing, I don't care what you say, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.'

Finally, Neela felt like she could truly open up to him. Nestling into him, she said in a small voice 'I was so scared Ray. I knew deep down he wouldn't actually hurt me, but he was acting like he was going to, and…'

'Shh, you're here with me now. And however much of an independent woman you think you are, I'm going to look after you forever, whether you like it or not.'

Neela smiled into his chest. She wasn't going to argue.


	13. A rude awakening

Disclaimer: ER, its characters and its storylines were not devised by me, and so are not mine.

Author's Note: I think this story is coming to an end now, so this is probably going to be the penultimate chapter. I was tempted to leave things at the end of the last chapter, but there are a few more loose ends to be tied up yet, and I think there's still a little bit more fun left to be had here. If there's something this story hasn't done, and you would like to see, now's your last chance to tell me.

After Ray and Neela aired the last of their secrets, they settled properly into a relationship. She hadn't finished unpacking her things after the move from Abby's, but those outstanding boxes now went straight into Ray's room. Their room.

The first few weeks were marked by nothing particularly significant, they simply enjoyed being able to do all the things that they had been waiting so long for. Work got in the way of course, but now they both felt they had something to come home to, nothing seemed as bad.

Of course, everyone at the hospital had had a field day when they heard about it. But the general consensus, they found, was favourable. It hadn't been too awkward around Katey, although Neela knew that the beginning of friendship between them was now unlikely to ever get off the ground, although that seemed a fairly small price to pay. Abby and Luka had also been grateful, as the news very efficiently deflected everyone's attention from their impending nuptials, and apart from Hope's occasional overenthusiastic brandishing of wedding magazines, they were largely left alone to plan things.

They said nothing more about Tony. A couple of days after it had happened, Abby had taken Neela aside and told her that she had told Luka everything. Luka had been furious and there was a lot of talk about Tony not being given a good enough reference to get a place in another hospital, but it all got straightened out. Neela had a feeling she had a lot to thank Abby for.

One morning, about six weeks after Neela had moved back in, they were both woken by a sudden knocking on the door.

Ray rolled over. 'What the hell is that?' In the silence it sounded like an army was at the door, trying to get in.

Neela put a pillow over her head, mumbling sleepily. 'I think it's a person. A loud, crazy, non-sleeping person. Make them go away.'

Ray got out of bed and hastily pulled on a pair of sweatpants. 'All right, knock it off,' he called out. 'I'm coming.' He muttered and grumbled to himself under his breath. First shift in a fortnight that he hadn't had to get up before dawn to make, and there was some psychopath trying to knock his door down at some utterly ridiculous time. No doubt the neighbours would have something to say about it aswell.

He opened the door and was surprised to see Abby on the other side. 'Hey, what's up, is everything okay?' He couldn't think why Abby would be hammering on the door at; he looked at the clock, five in the morning.

'Is Neela in?' A dark figure, hearing her friend's voice, emerged from the bedroom. Abby had to smile at the sight of her in one of Ray's t-shirts, and sporting a classic case of bed hair.

'Abby, what are you doing here? Have you got any idea what the time is?' Ray had turned the light on and Neela was blinking against its unwelcome brightness.

'Sorry, I know, I just got off a shift. It's just…' She looked meaningfully at Ray, who took her hint.

'Oh, right, I know my place,' he said in mock offence. 'I'll go and put some coffee on, shall I? Somewhere where I can't hear what you're saying.'

'Thank you Ray.' Abby shot him a grateful look. 'I'm sorry about the time, you know what it's like, when you work weird hours, you forget other people don't. Here,' she took a white envelope out of her jacket pocket. It was addressed in a child's hand, and had a Wisconsin postmark. 'It arrived at the ER for you, but I didn't think you'd want anyone to see it. Luckily Luka got his hands on it before it was sent upstairs, so I thought I'd bring it to you.'

'Thank you.' Neela turned the envelope over in her hands, looking at it for some sort of inspiration for what to do with it. She wasn't sure she wanted to know what had come of Tony, but it was clearly Sarah's writing, and the girl had done a lot for her, she felt the least she could do was do her the honour of reading it.

'What are you going to do with it?'

'I don't know. I don't have a clue. What would you do with it?'

'Well, if it was from him, I'd burn it without giving it a second thought, but it isn't. I don't think Sarah would be causing trouble, she's not that type of kid, so I guess I'd probably read it.'

'Hmm.'

'I'm sorry for waking you up to give it to you, but I didn't want to just shove it in the mail box for you to find. I thought you might want me with you to read it. Or not. Just, I'm here if you want me.'

Neela was grateful to her friend for handing her the letter in person, even it had meant being rather rudely awakened at an ungodly hour. Abby was right, she really would not have wanted to find this in her morning mail.

She stared at it for a little longer before she realised Abby was still waiting for an answer. 'Thank you for giving it to me, you did the right thing. And much as I would love you to be here while I opened it, I think this is something I have to do with Ray.'

'That's okay, I thought you would say that. Do you want me to go?'

Neela shook her head. 'No, it's fine. Neither of us are on til nine so there's plenty of time later. You're here now, and Ray's made coffee, stay for a bit.' Neela slid the letter in between the pages of a book that lay on the arm of the sofa for the moment, and followed Abby into the kitchen.

'You ladies done now?' Neela could tell the curiosity was killing him but that he was determined not to ask.

Abby grinned wickedly at him. 'Yes thank you, all done. Now where's this coffee you were promising?'

He offered her a mug of steaming coffee, and she took it, adding a splash of milk from the carton he put on the table. But when he held one out to Neela however, she turned her head away in disgust.

'Ugh, no, I really don't feel like coffee this morning. Is there any juice or something knocking about?' For some reason, the smell of the coffee was making her feel a bit queasy.

'Yep, sure.' Ray poured her a glass of orange juice, and replaced the coffee with it. 'Are you okay, you always drink coffee.'

'I'm fine, I just don't really feel like it.'

The three of them sat around and chatted for a while, but after about half an hour, Abby's yawns were beginning to dominate the conversation, so they wound it up, and she left to go home and crawl into bed.

When she was gone, Ray didn't say anything, he just leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms, and looked at Neela questioningly.

'What?'

'Is there something I should know?'

'She brought me round a letter that arrived at the hospital for me. It's from Sarah, Tony's daughter.'

Ray nodded thoughtfully. 'What does it say?'

'I don't know, I haven't read it yet. I… wanted you to be with me.'

At that, Ray lost his confrontational air, and relaxed. He didn't expect her to tell him every nuance of her life, but he didn't like feeling something was being kept from him. So far, they had built what they had on being open and honest, and he didn't want that to stop.

She got up and took the letter out of its hiding place. Coming back to the table, and sitting down, she inserted a finger under the flap, and got ready to rip it. 'Here it goes.'

The letter wasn't long, and she felt Ray move around the table so he could read it over her shoulder.

"_Dear Neela,_

_I just wanted to write to you to let you know how things have turned out. I wasn't sure if you would want to know or not, but at least this way, you can read this letter and find out if you want. You don't need to write back or anything, I don't expect you to._

_We've been here for a month now. My grandparents have a pretty cool place, and the house is big enough for Dad to have a whole bit of it to himself. He works in the local hospital here, in the children's ward. I've never seen him happier than this Neela, I know how the move happened wasn't great, but the way it's turned out is good I think. It's been good for me and Dad anyway, and I hope it's been good for you too. _

_He's just… He's not going to become what he was in the kitchen that morning, that's all I really wanted to say. I thought you might want to know that, but I would understand if you didn't. _

_I hope things have turned out well for you too. _

_Sarah. x"_

When Ray finished reading it, he didn't say anything, he just put his arms around her and held her. After she was quiet for a very long time, he gently took the letter out of her hand and turned her around to look at him.

'Are you okay?'

Neela nodded, lost for words. Tears were pricking at her eyes, but she couldn't bring herself to shed them, not for Tony. She thought it was more relief than anything else. Part of her had felt a little guilty about not officially reporting what had happened, as she had seen at first hand the consequences of men being allowed to get away with violence like that. Look what it had done to Ray. Now she felt a bit of comfort in knowing that she had made the right decision. She thought that was probably what Sarah had intended.

'That's one amazing girl. I hope Tony does right by her.'

'You know what,' Ray said thoughtfully, 'I think he will. The last few weeks have taught me that not every story doesn't have a happy ending. I never thought ours would, and here we are now, so maybe theirs will too. It's a different kind of happy ending, for sure, but I think it's there.'

Neela gave him a little laugh, and he wiped her eyes. 'Since when did you become so wise?'

He let his hand rest on her cheek, and looked into her eyes. 'When do you think?'


	14. Moment of Truth

Disclaimer: Nothing to do with me. At all. Dammit.

Author's Note: Okay, now this one is the penultimate chapter. It was meant to be the last one, but it was getting pretty long, so I thought I'd split it in half (spin it out a bit longer!) and leave you hanging on a nice little cliff. I think you all know how this ends though.

While Neela was in the shower, Ray took the letter and put it in the box in which he kept all the bills and important stuff he thought he had better not lose. It wasn't entirely appropriate, but he thought it ought to be kept somewhere safe, but not anywhere that Neela should have to see it all the time. In fact, if she didn't mention it, he wouldn't even tell her where it was.

When she came out, he could tell by the way her eyes immediately flickered over to the table, then up at him questioningly that she had noticed the letter had gone, but as Ray expected, she didn't ask. All he said was, 'I didn't throw it away.'

'Good.'

Determined not to let the day start badly, Ray smiled widely at her. 'Now, what do you want for breakfast?' It was a silly question, they both knew the answer, but whenever they sat down for breakfast together, he always offered to cook her eggs and bacon, or whatever she wanted, but they inevitably ended up with cereal.

As always, she replied, 'Just some cereal will do me thanks. I feel a bit funny actually, I'm hungry, but the thought of food isn't really doing it for me.'

Ray, for once, passed up on the opportunity to make some sort of suggestive comment, as he was already tucking into a bowl of sugary muck, and nothing got in between him and his cereal, she had learned that over the years. He pushed the Special K box over to her as he was eating.

She started to eat her cereal, but there was something that wasn't right about it. She reached over to check the date on the box, and then the carton of milk.

'Ugh, Ray, this milk is four days over. How did you not notice?'

He looked up, and had the grace to look a little shamefaced. 'Umm, it tastes okay.'

'No it doesn't, it's horrible.' She got up and poured the rest of the milk down the sink, turning her head away from the smell. She was feeling rough enough this moring without having to endure smells like that. before turning back to look at him. 'Did you honestly not notice?'

'I honestly did not notice.'

Neela shook her head in exasperation. 'Sometimes, I really wonder with you. Come on, we'd better make a move if we've got to take the El this morning.' Ray's car was in the garage for a service, so it meant battling with the rush hour commute by train.

In the end, they were both a little late for work, and it was so busy that even Luka was annoyed enough to reprimand Ray, which was nothing in comparison to what Neela got from Crenshaw.

He was hovering around, clearly lying in wait for her.

'Dr Rasgotra, what is the time?'

'I'm sorry I'm late, Dr Crenshaw, the car's in the garage and we had to –' Neela had already been awake for hours, been through the trauma of getting the letter, then had felt so rotten on the El that she had thought she was going to be sick. She had a feeling she was coming down with something and really couldn't face Crenshaw going mad at her on top of everything else.

'I do not care in the slightest, so please do not waste my time any further by offering me these inane excuses. It is boring. Now however, as you have finally shown up, please deposit your things in your locker and come with me to the ER right away. There are apparently several victims of an MVA on their way on, two of whom have already had to have amputations at the scene.'

Right at that moment, a nurse walked past with a cup of coffee, and Neela's stomach turned. She put a hand up to her mouth and willed herself not to be sick, as she had the feeling vomiting over Crenshaw, satisfying though it might be, ran the very real risk of annoying him even more than her tardy arrival already had.

'Dr Rasgotra, are you quite well, or are you stifling a yawn? It had better not be the latter.'

Neela swallowed and took a deep breath. 'Sorry, I just don't feel very well. I drank some off milk this morning and…' She trailed off at the severely unimpressed look on her superior's face.

'Delightful. I'm so glad you shared that. My day is now complete.'

He walked off, leaving her standing there, and she pushed the nausea to the back of her mind, and hurried after him. Trust her luck for him to be in an even worse mood than usual on the one day she turned up both late and ill.

Downstairs, it was hectic. The man they were working on had lost his leg in the accident and until he was stabilised, there was no way they could get him into the OR so her and Crenshaw were trying to tidy up the damage the best they could in the meantime.

'Dr Rasgotra, could you _please_ concentrate on what you are doing?' They were trying to tie of an artery, and she had just let go at the wrong moment, causing a healthy helping of blood to be spatter right into Crenshaw's face.

'I'm sorry. I really don't feel well.'

'Yes, I can see that.' He tied off the artery himself, with a flourish, and straightened up to look at her. Through the glass window, he glanced at Ray, who was in the next trauma room. As far as Crenshaw could see, he was displaying none of the same signs of nausea. 'Did Dr Barnett drink the "off milk" as well this morning?'

Neela frowned at what to her seemed like an odd question. 'Yes, he did. But he has an iron stomach –'

'I am not particularly interested in Dr Barnett's digestive abilities. I merely asked the question in order to highlight the possibility that your _sickness this morning_ might not be caused by your slovenly housekeeping skills.'

_Sickness this morning. _The carefully chosen order of words Crenshaw used sank in through the haze in Neela's mind. No, I'm not, she thought. Well, technically I _could_ be, but I'm not. I can't be.

She realised everyone in the room was looking at her. Please don't say anymore, she begged silently, please. But meeting Crenshaw's eyes, she knew he was about to get his revenge for that face full of blood.

'Dr Rasgotra, you are of no use to me like this, go and take a break.' Leave it at that, she pleaded with her eyes, please, stop there. 'Of course, I am only a surgeon, not an obstetrician, but may I suggest you make use of your time by –' Oh God, he's really going to say it. 'Taking a pregnancy test.'

There, he said it, and in front of everyone. Hope and Morris were looking on with barely disguised glee at this turn of events, and Katey looked away, clearly uncomfortable. Sam offered her a sympathetic look, for which Neela gave her a grateful smile.

Nothing for it but a dignified, or not so dignified, retreat, she thought. She just managed to utter a feeble 'Excuse me,' before she ran from the room, straight to the bathroom, where she immediately threw up her breakfast, off milk and all. Even though her stomach was now empty, she felt no better, and couldn't help a couple more dry heaves.

This couldn't be happening to her, she couldn't be pregnant, she thought. But then, thinking back, they hadn't been as careful as they should have been. She stared at herself in the mirror. She wasn't ready to be a mother, she didn't know how to look after a baby, she didn't have the time, she was training to be a surgeon, she wasn't married, her parents would be outraged; her mind spun with the constant stream of panicked thoughts. And then she thought of Ray. He would make the most amazing father, and if she was pregnant, he was bound to be over the moon. If. That was what she would focus on. She didn't know for sure yet, although an insistent little voice in the back of her mind told her she was. Some things you just know.

After a few minutes, she bent her head to take a drink of water from the tap, then carefully wiped her mouth, and pulled herself together, before going back out. She made her way to the admit desk, and picked up the phone.

Abby answered within three rings. 'Hello?'

'Hi, it's only me.'

'Hey, everything okay? How did it go with the letter?'

Neela had forgotten about the letter, with the morning's latest revelation, and she wondered for a minute what Abby meant, before it came back to her. 'Oh, yes, the letter. No, that was all right. I just wondered if I could ask you a quick question?'

Abby was puzzled, but didn't say anything. 'Umm, yes, fire away.'

'Did you have milk in your coffee at our place this morning?'

'Yes, why?'

'I thought so. It was off, I'm sorry. Do you feel okay, not sick or anything?'

'I feel fine. It was only off milk Neela, and if I didn't notice it, it wouldn't have been bad enough to make anyone throw up.'

Neela felt her heart sink, even though she wasn't at all surprised. 'I had a nasty feeling you were going to say that.'

'Neela, what's going on? Why are you ringing me in the middle of your shift to ask me if I feel sick because of some bad milk you fed me? Are you ill or something?'

'Uh huh. I've been feeling odd all morning, and I just repainted the restroom with my breakfast, and I thought it was because of the milk. But there's nothing wrong with Ray, or you…' She let her voice trail off to allow Abby to work it out for herself.

'Oh, you're not?'

'I could be. Crenshaw just announced it to the whole trauma room, so according to gossip, I already am.'

Abby narrowed her eyes at the thought of Crenshaw being so indiscreet. 'Little weasel. I never liked him, you know.'

Neela laughed. 'I know. Neither do I.'

'You'd better do a test, find out and tell Ray before someone else does, if they haven't already. Do you want me to come in?'

Neela was tempted to say yes, but at that moment, she looked up and saw Sam, who appeared to be hovering, waiting for her to get off the phone. It wasn't fair to drag Abby all the way in on her day off. 'No, I'll be fine.'

'If you're sure. Call me later. As soon as.'

'Oh, don't you worry, I will.'

As Neela put the phone down, Sam smiled at her. 'Thought you could do with a bit of company?'

'Thank you. Yes, I really could.' She noticed Frank was beginning to listen a bit too keenly, so Neela dragged the nurse in the direction of the doctor's lounge, and shut the door behind them. 'What do you think I should do? I should probably go and find Ray, shouldn't I, before someone else does?'

Sam shook her head. 'Don't you worry about him. I've sent him up to radiology to chase some x-rays that Pratt is nagging me for.' From the way Sam said it, Neela knew there were no x-rays, and that Ray was likely to be gone for a while on the wild goose chase that had been invented for him.

'So you've got as long as you like to decide what to do. I also went out and got you this.' She produced a pregnancy test packet from her pocket. 'I thought you'd prefer a three minute wait than however long it would take a sample to come back.'

'Thank you Sam.'

Sam could tell from Neela's voice that she was surprised and a little confused that she was doing this for her, so she put a hand on her arm. 'Look Honey, I've been there, and I know what it's like to be to be as scared as hell and even though you've got Ray, right now, I know for a fact what you need is a friend to hold your hand. And Abby's not here, so I thought I'd save you from Hope's clutches before she gets the same idea.'

'Sam…'

The nurse shook her head, not letting her finish the sentence. 'Come on, restroom for you.' Sam began to steer her towards the nearest bathroom, but Neela stopped her.

'Umm, we might not want to go in there. When I left the trauma I threw up, and I didn't quite make it –'

'Right,' Sam said quickly. 'That's fine. Next one.'

The three minutes seemed to last forever. They sat side by side on the sink unit with the stick between them, and Sam noticed that Neela was staring at it blankly.

'What do you want the result to be?'

'I don't know. Give me a year or two, and the answer would be absolutely definitely yes, but Ray and I have only been together for what, six weeks, and I've had a terrible year. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for this. Plus I'm rubbish with babies, I'd probably drop it or something.' She gave Sam a wan smile.

'Every woman who's pregnant for the first time thinks she doesn't know how to look after a child, but they always do, or they learn pretty quick. So discounting that, is it just the timing?'

'Yes. I do want to have children with Ray, I definitely want that to be part of my future, our future. He'll be a fantastic father.' Suddenly, an image popped into Neela's mind of her walking into the apartment after a long day at work and being greeted by a smiling Ray holding their baby. It appealed to her a lot. It appealed to her in the sort of way that made her think she didn't want to wait a few years.

Sam carefully watched Neela's face change; her eyes softened and she lost a bit of the fear that was emanating from her.

The timer on Sam's watch started beeping. 'Well, that's the three minutes up. Moment of truth Neela.' Sam picked up the test stick and held it out to her. 'Good luck.'


	15. And finally

Disclaimer: For the last time, on this story anyway, everything that is anything to do with the ER isn't mine.

Author's Note: Oh dear, apparently some of you thought that last cliffhanger was pretty cruel! Well, please accept by way of a truly sincere apology this my final offering; here you go guys, this is it (really it this time!). Thank you very much to all those who have reviewed this story, especially those who have reviewed every chapter, I appreciate the time you've taken to read the story, and I'm really happy that you seem to have enjoyed it. I've already got an idea for my next story, so keep an eye out for it; the first chapter will probably be up in a week or so.

Neela looked down at the pregnancy test in Sam's hand. 'Yep, moment of truth it is.'

'Do you want to look, or shall I do it?'

Part of Neela wanted to let Sam take the first look, but she took a deep breath and shook her head, summoning up her courage. 'No, pass it over. It's just counting a number of lines on a piece of plastic, isn't it?'

She screwed her eyes up tightly, and opened them again. She was holding her breath.

Right at that moment, the door opened and Ray burst in, all guns blazing. 'Neela, what's going on? I've just had Morris telling me you ran out in the middle of a trauma and Hope congratulating me on becoming a father, and Sam sent me off after some bloody x-rays for a patient that doesn't even…' His voice died in his throat as he actually took in the scene before him, his girlfriend sitting on a sink with an unmistakeable white plastic stick in her hand.

Sam jumped up from her perch on the edge of the sink. 'I think I'm gonna leave you guys to it.' She gave Neela's hand a quick squeeze as she went past, withdrawing quietly. She wasn't even sure whether or not they noticed her going.

'Neela? Please can you tell me what's happening?' He asked even though he could see. He couldn't take his eyes off her, he was much quieter now, and his stomach was tight with nerves.

When he had finished working on his last patient, he had found Sam waiting for him, and she had asked him if he had a spare minute to go up to radiology and find some x-rays for her. She had said Pratt needed them urgently, but they weren't picking up the phone, and they never listened to a nurse anyway, they'd only get their asses into gear if a doctor went and chased them. He thought the request was a bit odd, but had gone off without really questioning it. He hadn't got half way down the corridor before he had been intercepted by Morris.

'Hey man, what've you been doing to that girlfriend of yours? She just did a runner in the middle of a trauma.' Morris carried on walking past, giving him a knowing grin, but Ray turned round.

'What, Neela? What are you talking about Morris? Hey! Morris!' But he was gone.

He'd then spent the next half an hour arguing with some poor sod at radiology about the x-rays before giving up, and coming back to immediately get ambushed by Hope, who gushed congratulations at him, and he was pretty sure he had been able to pick out the words "father", "Neela" and "baby" in her overeffusive speech.

Finally, he'd asked Frank where Neela was, and he had pointed him in the direction of this restroom.

They were still staring at each other. 'Neela?'

'You know how I've been feeling sick all morning…?'

'Well, yes, but I thought that was just the milk.'

Neela shook her head. 'Think about it, I was feeling sick before that, when you offered me the coffee when Abby was around.' Was she very much mistaken, or did Ray look sort of… hopeful?

'Yes, you're right. So?'

'So I've been feeling awful all morning, and Crenshaw sent me out of the trauma because I could hardly keep my breakfast down. And incidentally, I lost the said breakfast practically as soon as I left the room. So I've taken a test…'

'And?' Ray wished she would get on with it and tell him. He knew what he wanted the answer to be so badly, but he wasn't sure if she wanted the same. Well, she did, he knew, but he wasn't sure if she wanted it right now.

As far as he was concerned, he was done with waiting. If he could marry her tomorrow, he would, without a second's hesitation. Hell, if the test was positive, he might have to. And he wanted children with her. The thought of her as a mother, holding their son or daughter in her arms, made his heart sing. He couldn't think of anything that could ever make him happier. To think, there had been a time not so many years ago, when his idea of heaven had been putting on eyeliner and painting his nails black and playing a gig to a crowded bar. This idea of heaven that was being dangled in front of him so tantalisingly now was a million miles from that, but so, so appealing. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he found himself formulating a prayer, a real prayer in his mind. _Please God, please…_

'I haven't looked at it yet. I don't know.'

She looked so young and frightened sitting in front of him. He reached out to her, and crushed her to him. 'It's okay, I'm here. We'll look at it together.'

She nodded wordlessly.

'On the count of three then. One…'

'Two…' She joined in the counting.

'Three.' She brought the test up from where it had been in her hand, limp at her side, and held it up where they could both see it.

And there sure enough, in the little window display, there were two blue lines side by side. For a moment, they both stared at it, trying to grasp the consequences. Ray was the first one to react.

'Wow. Just… wow.' He kissed her, almost reverently. This was the culmination of one massive great dream just coming true for him, and he hoped fervently it was for her too.

Neela continued to gaze at the stick for a little longer. She didn't know what to think or feel. And then the emotions began to sink in. First, there was fear. She was definitely scared. But then she realised she didn't feel trapped, or disappointed, or depressed, or angry, or any of the things she had thought she would feel if she ever got pregnant unintentionally. Her heart was racing like it never had before, but it was with excitement, not panic.

She put a hand to her stomach, and thought of what was in there. Tears formed in her eyes.

'Oh my God, Ray. We're going to be parents. We are actually going to have a baby.'

She was smiling ever so slightly, which was enough to give Ray hope. 'Does this mean you're happy Neela? Because I just want to reassure you, I'm happy. I'm ecstatic, I'm over the moon, I don't know what to say, I…' His voice thickened with emotion, so much emotion that he couldn't put it all into words.

'I'm terrified Ray.' A momentary shadow passed across his face before she finished her sentence. 'But…' She burst into tears, then laughed at herself. 'Damn pregnancy hormones. But these are happy tears Ray, I promise you. These are the happiest tears I have ever cried in my life.'

Ray let out a huge sigh of pure relief. Until she actually said those words, he hadn't realised how much it mattered to him that she did say them. 'Oh Neela.' He kissed her, hugged her, and now they were both crying and laughing at the same time.

'Neela, I love you, I love you so much, and I love our baby. I'm just...'

She rested her forehead against his, breathless and giddy from the adrenalin. 'I know Ray. Me too, to all of it. But we can't go thinking this is going to be easy, because it isn't , it's –'

He cut her off with a kiss.

'I don't care how hard it is. Because for you, and our child, anything is worth the effort.'


End file.
